PS 



LIBRARY^^CONGRESa 



Shelf. 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



OUR 



ENGLISH FRIEND. 



A Comedy in 4 Acts, 



AUGUSTIN DALY. 



AS ACTED AT DALY'S THEATRE, FOR THE FIRST TIME, 
NOVEMBER 25th, 1882. 




NEW YORK: 
PRINTED, AS lIANUSCRIPT ONLY, FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1884. 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE AND ORIGINAL CAgT. 



PAUL SPENCER, A Young New Yorker, who has migrated to 
the enterprising township of Cutty Corners, for the Hunt- 
ing Season Mk. John Drew 

ELIDA SPENCER, his Wife, entertaining a few city friends in 

the country for the first time Miss Virginia Dreher 

DIGBY De RIGBY, their English friend, who finds himself, 

singularly enough, to be an unexpected guest . Mr. James Lewis 

WIRT LAURENS, who has been invited to "come up and shoot" 

Mr. Yorke Stephens 

MERRYL LAURENS, his Wife, with the most inattentive hus- 
band in the world Miss Helen Leyton 

FREDERIC FLUTTERBY, Mixture of the Honeybee and 

Butterfly Mr. Clement Bainbridge 

MRS. CORNELIA PARTRADGE, an amiable old lady, who 
possesses two pretty nieces, who is no sooner comfortably 
relieved of one by Hymen, than the otlier makes things 
lively for her Mrs. G. H. Gilbert 

BARBIE VAUGHN, the other niece, destined to complete a 

conquest begun by her sister Miss Ada Rehan 

ALONZO GROOBIE, Pharmaceutist of Cutty Corners, 

Mr. E. T. Webber 

TRIPHENA GROOBIE, his Wife, and leader of the ton in Cutty 

Corners Miss May Sylvie 

THEOBALD BLUM, Clerk at Groobie's Pharmacy, 

Mr. William Gilbert 

JACKSON, Farmer on Spencer's place, with an aversion to Pill- 
grinders Mr. Webber 

MIMA JACKSON, the Farmer's Daughter, and fatal to the peace 

of Theobald Miss May Fielding 

UNCLE SPENCER, who is ruthlessly sacrificed to the Spirit of 

Hospitality Mr. Charles Fisher 

JOHN, the Butler . . . . ^ r Mr. Sterling 

NAP, the Help [• at spencer's \ Mr. Beekman 

SARAH, Housemaid ... J i- Miss Hapgood 



THE TIME— The Present. 

THE PLACE— Cutty Corners, in Northern New York. 
THE SCENE— Reception Hall and General Room at Spencer's 
Country House. 

Copyright, 1882, By Augustin Daly. 



. ACT I. 

Scene — General hall in Paul Spencer's country house, at Cutty 
Corners, Northern New York. Everything of a light, airy, 
summery character, quite of the decorative order, however. 

at c. a stairway leads up straight, and then to an upper door, in B. 
Jlat. R. of stairs, in back xoainscotting , a closet. 

Two doors at r. betiveen which is a mantle-piece. Arch at k. u. e. 

L. of c. is a vestibule with double doors at back, opening in upon the 
stage. 

L. of vestibule, at back, a window, with a view of lawn and country 
beyond. 

At L. H. a door and window, between which is a cabinet. 

L. u. E. a large semi-circular arch ivith broad steps, leading to a 
library. 

The curtain rises to a lively air, discovering Nap and John bring- 
ing a sofa down stairs, directed by Sarah. 

Nap. Golly, this sofia heavy. Whar de sofia to go, Miss 
Sarey ? 

Sarah. [^Pointing down L.] Down there. Don't back into 
those vases! Mind the chair! Look out for that pedestal ! Oh 
dear, dear, the clumsiness of these creatures! 

Nap. [^Crosses to R., iviping his forehead.^ It's wuss dan 
makin hay when de sun shines. 

John, [l.] Shall I bring in the step ladder for the curtains? 

Sarah. [Back of sofa.li No, Miss Mima will attend to that. 
My lady farmer's daughter orders things just as she wants 'em, 
in this house. But I suppose, as it's Mrs. Spencer's first summer 
at country housekeeping, she's glad of any help she can get. 

John. [Down c] Well, we mustn't be too hard on a bride. 
Oh ! Here she is. 

. LiDA Spencer and Mima eiiter, r. 2 d. 

Lida. There, I leave all that for you. You do everything so 
well. 

Mima. [Handing some lace curtains to Sarah.'] Here, take 
these up to the pink room. [Sarah goes upstairs.'] Nap, you 



4 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

get the steps. John, you help him, quick! quick! \_Tliey all 
scamper off.'\ 

Sarah. [ On the stairs.'] One would think she was the lady of 
the house, with them airs. l_Exits r. c, upstairs.'] 

Lid. {Going to cabinet, I..] We never shall have everything 
ready. ^Taking out silver.] The mote we do, the more I find 
we have forgotten. 

Mhn. Oh, we'll be ready. {^Arranging vxantle.] In ten min- 
utes you can sit down in comfort, and wait for the folks to come. 

Lid. I shan't sit down once in comfort, till they're gone. 

Mim. Talking of comfort, we do want a sofa dreadfully for 
that room. \_Pointing off, R. 1 E.] 

Lid. \_Forward.] We havn't got a sofa, so that's off my mind. 

Mim. I know of one — uncle's — up in the library. 

Lid. Mr. Spencer's uncle? I wouldn't dare to ask him. 

Mhn. I would. He can only say no. 

Lid. [Suddenly.] Hush! \_Listens.] Somebody coming up 
the walk. 

Mim. [Listening, up to window.] I think I hear two bodies. 

Lid. It can't be callers. That would be dreadful just now, 
when we're expecting a house full of people. 

3Ilm. It would be like these stupid country folks ! 

Lid. It can't be any of our friends — the train's not in. 

3Iim. No — I'm betting on villagers. 

Gkoobie and Mrs. Groobie oidside, l. c, visiting costume; loud 
country effect. Mim. and Lid. are at l. 

3Iim. [Peeping.] It is — 

Lid. Who ? [Mrs. G. j^ulls door bell, at vestibule outside.] 

Mim. The Groobie's. 

Lid. The what? 

Mim. Groobie's — keep the drug store. 

Lid. Oh, horrors ! 

Mim. You run away. I'll get rid of them. 

Lid. No, we must be polite to the village people. I'll call 
Mr. Spencer. [Darts oxd, R. 2 D. Bell.] 

Nap appears, l. u. e., to answer bell, opens vestibide door, L. C, 
and admits Mr. arid Mrs. Groobie. 

J/tm. And I'll disappear. [Darts upstairs, R. c] 

Nap. [l., to Mrs. Groobie^ Yes, 'm. What name, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Groobie. [ With dignity to Groobie^ A card, Alonzo ! 

Groobie. [r., lank, spectacled, ill at ease, badly-fitting clothes.] 
Yes, my love. There ! [Hands card to Nap.] Are you quite 
well ? [ Crosses to c] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 5 

Nap. Well, just so so, sah. 

Gr. You don't look well. You are pale. [CVu?.§e,s ^o r.] 

Nap. Golly Mass' Groobie, when I git pale, I'se done for. 

Mrs. G. [c] Don't detain the man. [Sees the card.l 
Heavens, what on earth have you done, Alonzo! A business 
card with a list of your drugs ! Do you want to sicken the people 
at the very first? [Snatches the card from Nap.'] 

Gr. [r.] Drugs are to cure people, my love, not to sicken 
them. However ! [Takes the card back and searches his pockets.'] 
I guess I forgot the others. 

Mrs. G. Alonzo, this is dreadful ! Our first call and no cards ! 

Gr.^ Well, that ain't the only dreadful thing about it. [Still 
searching.] My boots are so tight, they draw tears to my eyes. 

Mrs. G. Don't keep .the man waiting. 

Gr. [To Nap.] All right, you know us. Trot along. 

3frs. G. [With dignity.] Say that Mr. and Mrs. Groobie 
have called. 

Nap. [l.] Yes, 'm, I know the name. [Aside, crossing up 
to c] De paregoric and the gum drop store. [Exits, r. 2 d.] 

Mrs. G. Sit down, Alonzo. Don't stand there like a scare- 
crow. [Sits L.] 

Gr. I feel like one every time I put on these clothes. I say, 
you forgot to let the coat out under the arms. I told you last 
Sunday, in church, it was too tight ; I couldn't get a wink of sleep. 
[Sits.] 

Mrs. G. [ On sofa, L.] Don't perch on the edge of the seat. 

Gr. If I sit back, something will split when I get up, — and I 
can ease my boots this way. 

Mrs. G. [Savagely.] I declare you are the most— [Rising and 
siveetly to Lida, ivho enters, R. 2 D.] Ah, my dear Mrs. Spencer, 
how delighted I am to find you at home; we took the opportunity 
of paying our respects. [Stops sho7±] 

Spencer enters, folloxved by Nap, r. 2 d., Nap exits, l. c. 

TAda. Mr. Spencer, Mr. and Mrs. Groobie ; our neighbors, 
Paul! " 

Spencer, [r. c, shakes hands with Groobie.] How do you do ? 
[Boivs to Mrs. G.] Happy to see you. 

Lid. [Going to sofa.] I'm sorry you find us in some dis- 
order. We are expecting company by the train, and this is my 
first summer housekeeping. So we are full of preparation. 

Gr. [Rising.] Then I guess we'd better be going. 



b OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Lid. Pray, don't, Mr. Groobie. I should be very sorry. 

Mrs. G. \_Cheerfully and sweetly.'] Sit down, Alonzo, dear. 
You mustn't guess things, darling. [To Lid^ There's nothing 
he hates so much as paying visits. But I know what expecting 
company is. It's just one run for days before, and nobody to 
help. My husband never helps a bit, Alonzo, I'm sure Mr. 
Spencer don't leave everything to his wife, as you do. 

Sp. [r.] Oh, I assure you I'm much worse than Mr. Groo- 
bie. 

Gr. There, Triphena ! 

Mrs. G. \_Speaks with frequent pauses in hopes that Lid. will 
talk.] I don't believe a word of it. What a pretty place you've 
made of this old rookery. [^Fause.'] Just like our house. All 
the new style. IPause.] Teagreen walls — ebony mouldings — 
mahogany — [pause'] — all except Groobie's study, that's drab, be- 
. cause he smokes so much — [pause.] Nasty habit, but I'll cure 
him. [Pause.] Does your husband smoke ? 

Lid. Yes. [ Trying to hide her impatience.] 

Mrs. G. [Same business as above.] Of course,. I like the smell 
of a good cigar, but Groobie smokes a pipe. [Pause.] We 
haven't given our hoysewarming yet. [Pause.] I'm glad of it, 
since you've come to stay all summer. [Pause.] But mercy 
on me, I'm talking away, and you are busy. We must take 
our leave. [All rise.] f 

Lid. [Aside, gets L.] Thank goodness. 

iSp. [To Gr., getting c] Do you shoot? 

Gr. Shoot? Shoot what? 

Sp. I mean, are you much of a sportsman ? 

Mrs. G. Of course you are, Alonzo. Didn't I work a game 
bag for you ? 

Gr. Oh, yes. [To Sp., aside.] A game bag with yellow 
ground, and red birds flying away from a green pointer ! How 
do you think the game would like that bag ? 

3Irs. G. [To Sp.] He Vs a sportsman. 

Sp. I'm glad to hear that. We shoot to-morrow and next 
day — start at night, so as to be on the spot bright and early. I 
shall be glad to have you with us. 

Lid. [To Mrs. G.] We dine after their return — so, if you 
will help me to receive the weary hunters after their day's 
sport — 

Mrs. G. [Sitting. All sit, rapturously.] With pleasure. 
Alonzo, you can trust young Blum in the shop all day, can't 
you ? 

Gr. It's risky. [To Sp.] I never saw a man handle deadly 
poisons like that young chap, and so overconfident ! He weighs 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 7 

out drugs, as if he were serving sugar, and a couple of lumps made 
no difference. 

3frs. G. [Snappishly.'] Well, it don't. [To Lid.'] I must 
ask you, as you're just from the city — it just reminds me — [confi- 
dentially]— how do they dress for a shooting dinner? High neck 
or decollete. 

Lid: Oh, very plainly. 

Airs'. G. I'm sorry for that. Low neck becomes me so! 
What a bother dressing is, isn't it ? 

Lid. It is, particularly when you expect a train every minute, 
and havn't begun yet. 

Mrs. G. I declare, we must go, [Rises — all rise and shake 
hands.] But I'm so glad to have found you at home. There, I 
forgot the chief thing. [Sits—ihey all sit] You must give me 
your advice. Of course we call on you, because Mr. Spencer's 
people always had a place here, and you will come every summer ; 
so you— so to speak — are one of us. But there are some people, 
who took cottages only for the season, and seem very nice. Now, 
4 ought we to call ? Mr. Groobie, as it were, represents the vil- 
lage; everybody looks up to him — he knows, you see, pretty 
much all their complaints, and, if the village ought to recognize 
these people, we must lead the way. 

Gr. [Looks at watch — rises.] My dear, we are really detain- 
ing our fi'iends. 

Mrs. G. [Rises— all rise.] Then I won't say another word. 
[To Lid., affectionately.] We'll talk it over quietly, to-morrow. 
Come, Alonzo 

Gr. [Shaking hands with Sp.] All right, my dear. 
Mrs. G. [Returning, in confidence to Lid., and bringing her 
fro7it.] Isn't Groobie a model ? [Sp. sits, Gr. goes up angrily.] 
Your husband seems just as obedient. But that's the Avay for 
young wives : train your husband the first year, or you'll never 
do it. Now, Alouzo. [Rises.] 

Gr. Are you quite sure you're going ? 

Mrs. G. Oh, quite. Good-bye, Mr. Spencer. [Crossing from 
one to the other, dodges to get by.] Good-bye, Mrs. Spencer. 
[Shakes hands.] 

Sp. and Lid. Good-bye. 

3frs. G. [Volubly, as' all go to door, c] Noav don't come to 
the door. We know you must be in a great hurry. Trains don't 
stop for any one — and when the train's in, the people are right 
on top of you. I tell Mr. Groobie that trains are like death. 
They come" when you don't want them, and they're awful slow 
when you're waiting. Now don't come one step further. Alonzo, 
dear, your arm. Good-bye. [E.veunt Gr. and ]Mrs. G. Sp. 
and Lid. throw themselves into opposite chairs^ 



8 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. Whew ! 

Mrs. Groobie returns. They rise. 

Mrs. Groobie. So silly of me, I left my parasol. Oh, here it 
is. A birthday present from Groobie. I would not lose it for 
the world. 

" Groobie returning, in doorway. 

Groobie. My dear — 

Mrs. G. [Sp. thinking to shake hands with her, takes hold of her 
parasol, as they turn up stage^ Coming, love. Good-bye, again, 
good-bye ! lExils, c. l.] 

Sp. {^Crofsing to Lid., who sits discotisolate.'] Don't look so 
distressed. It's all over. [Holds her head up, standing behind 
her, and bends down to kiss her.^ 

Lid. \_Disengaging, crosses R.] Some one's coming. 

3Iivi. [Peeping over the bannisters, r.] Here's Uncle Joyce ; 
now for his sofa. [Comes down.'\ 

Sp. You're not going to rob the old gentleman ? 

Lid. It's not my doing. Mima's the conspirator. [Exit, R. 
2 D. MrM. rims doivn, looks about her, sees line's hat on table, R., 
and drops it behind stairs, then hides behind staircase.^ 

Mim. Now for him. 

Uncle Joyce Spencer enters down stairs, r. c. 

Sjy. [Aside to J/m.] Now don't impose on him, mind ! I 
won't have it. [Exits, r. 2 d.] 

Mim. [ Watching Unc, ivho rummages about, searching, asideJ] 
He seems in a very bad humor. [Aloud.'] Are you looking for 
anything in particular, sir? [Coming down.] 

Uncle. [Pv.] Am I looking for anything in particular? Do I 
look as if 1 were looking for nothing in particular? I'm trying 
to find my hat. I could solemnly swear I put it down here. 
[Looks.] 

Mim. No wonder it got lost. 

Unc. What's that ? 

Mim. [Gets hat from behind stairs.] I've got it. [Hides it 
behind her as she approaches him.] What will you give me for it? 

Unc. [r.] Come, come, no nonsense. Give me my hat. 

Mim. You must promise what I ask. 

Unc. Mima, you're too big to play spoiled child any longer. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 9 

3Iim. What a fuss about an old hat! Didn't I say I'd give 
it, if you gave me something in return ? And besides, who spoiled 
me ? Didn't papa tell you a hundred times I'd never grow up 
to be any good, if you didn't teach me to keep my place — and 
didn't you take me on your lap and tell him he couldn't appre- 
ciate such a creature? 

Unc. How the toad remembers ! 

3Iim. But he does appreciate me, and I'm going home with 
him, and I'll never set foot in this house again, \_Going c] 

Unc. Will you kindly leave my hat behind ? 

Mim. I cannot. I said I'd give it on one condition. 

line. In the name of goodness, why don't you say what you 
want, then ? 

Mim. I'm waiting to be asked. Please recollect you havn't 
asked me yet. \_Comes down, puts his hat on his head, arranging 
it on his head, going tip and down to adjust it.'\ I'm as reason- 
able as anybody, when people talk reason. There ! that will do. 
[ Crosses to R.] Now you are beginning to smile. How a smile 
becomes that hat! It isn't a hat to get mad under! Now, can I 
have your sofa ? 

Unc. [l.] My sofa ! 

3Iim. Yes, your sofa, out of the library — to put in there 
{^Points R.] for company. 

Unc. Well, upon my word ! 

3Iim. Upon your word ! All right. Mind, I've got your 
word on it. Remember your promise. 

Unc. I promised nothing. 

3Iim. Give me back the hat, then. [Tries to get at it. He 
takes her /mnds.] 

Unc. You shall have the sofa. It was not necessary to resort 
to stratagem. My nephew's friends are welcome to all I possess. 

Mini. Humbug ! 

Unc. How dare you ? 

Mim. You know you do it all for my sake. I'm too big to 
sit on your knee, but you may kiss me. [Unc. does so. She curt- 
sies.'] Thank you. You'll miss the sofa very much. 

Unc. [Stage l.] Never ! Don't mention it. [ With a grimace.] 

Mim. It was very comfortable as a sofa, but as a good action, 
it will make you more comfortable still. [E.xits, L. u. E.] 

Unc. The spoiled pixie. [Going up.] 

Spencer enters, r. 2 e. 

Spencer. Going out, uncle ? How about your siesta f 

Unc, How the dickens can a man sleep in a house upside 



10 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

down ? I'll take a trot outdoors, and come back prepared to 
give up my bed, and sleep in a hammock. lExlts, c] 

Sp. \_Callmg after him.'] Don't be long. Train's overdue 
now. 

LiDA enters, dressed, r. 2 d. 

Lida. Oh, you're there. Where did Mima go ? 

Mima enters from library, meeting Nap and John froin l. c. 

Mima.' This way. [Qo stage.] This way. \^They ascend 
steps to library.'] We'll have it here in a minute. 

Lid. Poor uncle ! 

3fim. We had a battle. I won it, and now I'm going for the 
spoils. \_Exits, L. u. E., with Nap and John.] 

Sp. [^Puts his arms around Lida's waist.] Now, everything 
is in order, take a moment's comfort. 

Lid. I can't. I'm not nearly through. There's somebody 
coming. \_Crosses to l.] 

Sp. [^Holding her.] No, there's not. I'm not nearly through, 
either. ■* 

Lid. Now, what do you want ? 

Sp. First — only a kiss. 

Lid. I havn't a moment's time. ' 

Sp. Very well. Take your time. I can wait. 

Jackson api^ears at l. c. 

Lid. There is somebody. \_Breahs away, crosses to R.] Good 
afternoon, Jackson. [To Sp.] I told you. \_Exits, R. 2 d.] 

Jackson. Good afternoon. 

Sp. Oh, Jackson. I sent for you to ask whether you found 
any partridges yesterday. 

Jack. Plenty, sir. Woods full of 'em. 

Sp. We shall have lots of company, and they'll want the best 
sport we can give them. 

Jack. We can give them something first-rate, sir. 

S]). You remember Mr. Laurens. He went out with us last 
year. 

Jack. Oh, he was a good one. I'll be bound he's come for 
fun. We made a good bag with him, sir. 

Lida re-enters, r. 2 d., as Mima re-appears l. u. e., followed by 
John and Nap, carrying lounge, which they take off, r. 1 E. 
Return and exeunt L. c. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 11 

Lida. Your daughter is really invaluable, Jackson. She 
takes all the trouble off my hands. 

Jack, [l.] Well, she's been treated pretty well up here, 
ma'am, and she ought to do something for it. But I guess I'll 
have to take her home a bit, for to keep house for me. 

Zdd. [r.] I can give her an excellent character as house- 
keeper. 

Mima. [^Returns from seeing sofa off, k. 1 e., jjots Jack's cheek.'] 
You dear old papa. 

Jack. Behave yourself. I'm busy now. 

Sp. Have Peter and one or two boys ready at five to-morrow, 
Jackson. Ho^v is Juno ? Got over her trouble ? 

Jack. Famous, sir, and wild for the birds. Is that all, sir? 

Sp. • That's all, Jackson. 

Jack. Now, come along, you baggage. Step out — one — two — 
one — two. 

Mim. One — two — one — two. [Exeunt, laughing and keeping 
step, R. u. E.] 

Sp. Now, have you a moment to attend to your poor hus- 
band? 

Lid. [r.] Paul, you know I never neglect you, but so many 
people are coming. 

Sp. If I had thought of giving you so much trouble, I could 
have invited one at a time. 

Lid. Oh, it's better to have them all at once, and be over 
with it. It would be all right, but for two things. 

Sp. Specify the difficulties. 

Lid. First — Sister Barbie. That girl has such a will of her 
own. 

Sp. Your Aunt Cornelia comes with her, and may be safely 
trusted to manage the young lady. Your Aunt Cornelia knows 
what she's about. She married you off, you know. 

Lid. Oh, yes, but Barbie is not the weak-minded creature that 
I was ! She won't take the first man that oflfers, to oblige her 
aunt. 

Sp. Ahem ! let us pass on to the second difficulty. 

Lid. The second difficulty is Aunt Cornelia herself. I'm 
afraid of her. 

Sp. [l.] Why afraid of the harmless, necessary aunt? 

Lid. You men can't understand. A young housekeeper of 
only a year's experience stands in dread of these vetei'ans. She'll 
pick us all to pieces. 

Sp. Have no fear, darling, and all will be well. 

Lid. Don't you think I've managed everything nicely? 
[Goes to L. D.] This is for Mr. and Mrs. Laurens. [Bushes 
door oj^e/i.] 



12 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. Decorated a la chinoise. Very pretty. 

Lid. The spare room up-stairs is for Mr. Flutterby, and these 
\_Goes to R. 1 E.] are for aunt and Barbie. 

Sp. [l.] Capitally arranged. 

Lid. [ CVo.*ses to l.] And that takes up every corner of the 
house. If a mouse were to pay us a visit, we havu't a cupboard 
to put him into. 

Sp. I say, what if our friend De Rigby were to pop in on us ? 

Lid. Mr. De Rigby ! Heavens ! you don't expect him ? I 
thought he wasn't coming ! 

Sp. I suppose not, but he didn't give me a positive answer, 
when I asked him down for the shooting. We don't know what 
may happen. 

Lid. \_Resohitely.'] If he comes, I give up. I shan't know 
what on earth to do ! 

Sp. Poor fellow ! He was very fond of you — before our 
marriage, you know. 

Lid. But think of our predicament! Why, I had to give my 
dressing-room to Aunt Cornelia. 

S}). Oh, a man can be stowed anywhere — on a billiard table. 

Lid. But, my love, we havn't another bed ! Would you like 
me to sleep in a trunk ? 

Sp. [r.] I was only joking. Rigby certainly won't come, 
without letting us know. 

Lid. I declare you frightened me. I sincerely trust he's 
safely back in England before this. {^Crosses to R.] 

Sp. At this moment he is probably at the sea-side, making 
love to some fair mermaid, and just as I found him making love 
to you at Brighton, when I carried you off before his very eyes. 
You know, making love is his weakness. It's the standing joke 
against him. 

Nap enters quickly, smiling all over, l. c. 

Nap. Golly, Mass Spencer — He's just a drivin' up, sah! 

Spj. Who's just driving up? 

Nap. Mr. De Rigby. 

Lid. {^Sinks in chair, R.] Oh, heavens ! 

Sp. Go down to the gate, and bring up his luggage. 

Nap. Yes, sah ! Golly, I'se glad Mass Rigby come ! [^Exits, L. c] 

Lid. \_Anxiously, starting vp."] AVhat on earth shall we do ? 

Sp. It's awful, but it can't be helped. 

Migby. \_Outside.'\ All right, Nap. 

Lid. There he is. [^Runs out, R. 2 d.] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 13 

RiGBY enters, followed by Nap, carrying gun-case, valise and 
hat-box, L. c, 

Bigby. Here I am, old boy ! What do you say to this, for a 
surprise ? 

Sp. [r., shaking his hand warmly.'] I'm glad to see you. 

Hig. Didn't write purposely. Wanted to spring it upon you. 

Sp. You have sprung it admirably. 

Big. I'm glad to hear it. Would have come to see you long 
ago, old fellow, but couldn't manage to get off for longer than a 
day. Now I've got two weeks at least, and can settle down com- 
fortably with you — that is, if it's no inconvenience. 

Sp. [ Glancing after his tvife.'] Not in the least. Make your- 
self at home. 

Big. Thank you. [Takes off hat, gloves, etc.] 

Nap. Whar shall I put de things, sah ? 

Sp. Hm ! ask Mrs. Spencer. 

Nap. She told me to ax you, sah. 

Sp. ^Confused.] Well, put them down for the present. 

Nap. Yes, sah — dey is dere already, sah ! [Exits, c. L.] 

Big. [Looks round.] Nice place. Capital arrangements. 

Sp. [r.] Yes, the house is unfortunately rather small. It's 
all on this floor, except a couple of attic closets up-stairs. 

Big. What of that ? Old friends don't mind a little cramp- 
ing; so, if it's all the same, I'll take my attic at once. [Goes to 
glass.] Beastly driving over here. Jolly nasty climate you've 
got ! Which way do I go ? [ Crosses to r.] 

Sp. Well — ah — wait and see Mrs. Spencer before you go — to 
— your room. 

Big. [Surveys himself.] I'd rather make up a bit before I 
meet her. I'm a little ruffled. Got out at the wrong station, and 
had to drive over in a wagon. Roads were damnable, as the 
theologians say. By the way, old fellow, I had quite an ad- 
venture. 

Sp. Indeed ! Was she pretty ? You're as soft as ever. 

Big. Not soft at all. If you had seen her foot ! It was the 
first glimpse I had of her, as she got off the train — then her walk! 
Not a vulgar, solid, fiemale tramp, but a floating — a skimming — 
an undulating — 

Sp. [c] Yes, yes, I know ! 

Big. [r.] And that foot and walk belonged to a creature ! 
I — I never beheld anything so perfect! Oh, my dear fellow, she 
was a corker! What a woman — tall, slender, distingiue — how 
shall I describe her? I tell you, a being produced by nature re- 
gardless of cost. [Crosses to\.] 



14 OUK ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. Poor fellow ! Same Digby de Rigby ! 

Rig. Ko. I no longer fall in love with every pretty face. I 
have, however, acquired a true sense of the really beautilul. 

Sp. Same thing. 

Rig. [Sits on sofa, l.] To return to my adventure. I was 
absorbed in contemplation of her form and movements, when 
suddenly she raised her veil ! 

Sp. That settled you. 

Rig. To use a cant expression — I was " off." 

Sp. Describe her matchless features ! 

Rig. She was a blonde. You know, I have a weakness for 
blondes. When she finally moved away — 

Sp. You followed. 

Rig. No, I was insensibly drawn after. 

Sp. Same thing, same result. 

Rig. I had the good fortune to pick up her satchel. She 
thanked me. I dexterously opened — 

Sp. The satchel? 

Rig. A conversation. She talked with greatest readiness. 
Not a bit of diffidence. Wonderful, you know. I secured her a 
seat in waiting room— brought her a cup of tea — received the 
sweetest of thanks, and began to walk in the cloudsv 

Sp. [r.] Your favorite walk. 

Rig. In the midst of my happiness, another party interposed. 
A threatening, fiery female bore down upon us — the very reverse 
of the pretty little craft I had spoken. In fact, as the mariners 
say, a perfect piratical old hulk. 

Sp. [r.] I suppose you mean by that, a respectable, well-be- 
haved, elderly lady, with no nonsense about her. 

Rig. Not a nonsense ! Of course, she thanked me for my 
attentions to her niece, and then engrossed the conversation. I 
couldn't get another word with the angel. The aunt seemed 
bound to find out who I was, and where I was going. I paid her 
ofl^ with a plumper, told her I travelled for a champagne house — 
Due de Montebello — and was drumming the neighborhood. 

Sp. Very neat and ready. Did she swallow it ? 

Rig. To use an ornithological expression — like a magpie. 

Sp. And dropped you immediately ? 

Rig. To borrow a culinary illustration — like a hot potato. 
She whisked her niece off, at the double quick. But here I am 
chattering, Avhen I ought to be brushing up. 

Sp. [ Uneasily.'] You look very well. 

Rig. [Looks at his clothes.] It's a capital suit for travelling, but 
it won't do for the ladies. So, old fellow, if you don't mind — 
where is my room ? [Up stage.] 

Sp. [r.] Wait till Nap comes to carry your things. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 15 

Rig. No, no, I'm an old campaigner and help myself. \_Picks 
up ail his things and stands waiting with his eyeglass in his eye.'] 

Sp. {_Aside.] There's no help for it, I must give him a place 
somewhere. {^Aloud.] Well, if you will have it. l_Opens door, 
L.] Here you are. 

Big. l^Looks mi.] Charming ! It's really too fine ! Bouquets, 
flowers! Well, old fellow, this is what I call a reception! 
[^Shakes hands.] This is friendly ! [^Drops his hat-box. Sp. j^icks 
it up, and pushes him off with it. Exits, L. 1 e.] 

Sp. Try and make it do. {^Closes door.] Where can I pos- 
sibly stow him, when they put him out of that? 

LiDA enters, r. 2 d. 

Lida. I'm so glad, dear, you're alone. I've thought it all 
over ; you had better tell Mr. de Rigby candidly, that he can't 
stay. 

/Sp. That's impossible, my love. 

Uncle Joyce Spencer enters, r. c, down stairs. 

Uncle. Here are your guests — all at the gate. 

Lid. \_Nervously to Sp^ But Paul ! 

Sp. It would be foolish, absurd. \_Exits, L. c] 

Lid. \_Calls after him.] But what shall we do ? Dear, dear! 
\_Comes down c] 

Unc. [r.] What's the matter, daughter ? 

Lid. \_TearJully^ Paul shows such a want of consideration 
for my feelings ! 

Unc. Can't be. He adores you. 

Lid. Then he shouldn't be so abrupt. But you always take 
his part. I'm used to that. \_Crosse8 to R.] 

Unc. Very good ; she takes my sofa, then blows me up. We 
are having a good deal in one day. 

Spencer enters, l. c.,tvith Meryl Laurens on his arm, followed 
by Laurens and Flutterby, the latter carrying a lady's 
hat-box and shatvl. 

Meryl. [^Running to Lid. and kissing her.] My dear Lida ! 

Lid. My dear Meryl ! [^Shakes hands with Lau^ I'm so 
glad to see you ! [Shakes Flut.'s hand.] How do you do, Mr. 
Flutterby ?— Uncle— Mr. Flutterby ! 

Unc. [ Who has already shaken hands with the others.] Happy 
to make your acquintance ! \_Shakes hands.] 



16 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Flutterhj. It was so good of you to remember me ! [Lid. and 
Mer. converse at R., Unc. and Flut. just above them, r. Lau. 
comes down with Sp., l.] 

Laurens, [l. c] So, there's good shooting. 

Spencer, [l.] Saved it all for you. 

Lau. I've quite longed for this visit, though we've had no end 
of luck ourselves. Bagged two hundred woodcock last week. 
I've been out every day, except four rainy ones. 

Mer. [r., calling her husband.'] Wirt ! 

Lau. \_Not heeding.] My new gun is a marvel. It reminds 
me of that muzze-loader I used to carry — old never-fail ! 

3Ier. [ Calling impatiently.] Wirt, dear ! 

Lau. This is the first breech-loader I ever carried, that gave 
me satisfaction. I know we've got to like them, and all that. 

3fer. Wirt ! 

Flut. \_Crossi7ig to Lau.] I beg your pardon, but Mrs. Lau- 
rens is calling you. 

3Ier. [To Flut] Thank you. 

Flut. Don't mention it, 

Lau. \_To Mer.] What is it, my darling ? 

3Ier. Are you sui-e all our things were put off? 

Lau. Quite, darling. Nobody could overlook a trunk as big 
as a barn. 

Mer. Hadn't you better make sure? / 

Flut. [To 3Ier.] If you'll allow me, I'll attend to it. 

Lau. [Cheerfully.] You are very kind. [Turns and resumes 
talk with Sp.] 

Flut. [To Mer.] May I put your hat and shawl down here ? 

Mer. Oh, you havn't been holding them all this while ? 

Flut. [Puts hat, etc., on chair, L. c, of small table, l. hand.] 
It was quite a pleasure, I assure you. [Exits, c] 

Lid. Uncle, would you show Mr. Flutterby his room ? It's 
next to yours. 

Vnc. Is it ? I hope he don't snore. 

Lid. I hope not, but I don't know. 

Vnc. No matter, I can stuff the key-hole. [Exits upstairs, 

R. C] 

Mer. [To Lida.] It was so fortunate, Mr. Flutterby came 
with us. He is so attentive. If it were not for him, half my 
things would certainly be lost, and myself with them. My hus- 
band looks after nothing. 

Lau. [ Takes up her hat-box carefully.] Nobody was ever lost 
on a railroad, my darling. 

Lid. [Crosses to R. c] You do him injustice. See how con- 
scientiously he's holding your hat-box. 

Lau. [Explaining.] My cartridges are in it. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 17 

Mer. [^Screams and runs to him^ Your cartridges packed in 
with my hat ? The feathers will be ruined ! 

Lau. It was a good idea of mine, to keep the cartridges safe ! 
I knew Flutterby would take the greatest care of my wife's hat. 
He held the box on his knees all the time. 

Mer. Let me look. 

Lau. {^Preventing her gently.'] Excuse me. They might ex- 
plode, and injure the shape of the hat. I'll unpack them. 

3fer. \_To Lid.] What a man he is ! 

Lid. Let me show you your room. This way ! {As she is 
going l., Sp. perceives her and suddenly exits, r. 2 D. Lid. opens 
door, L., and starts back.] Heavens ! Mr. De Rigby ! 

Mer. What's the matter ? [Retreats, l.] 

Lid. \_Controllhig herself.] Oh, nothing! \_Gets round to 'R.] 

Rigby entering from l. 

Righy. I have the honor to present myself in rather an unfin- 
ished state. My toilette is not quite accomplie, as the French have 
it. But as you opened the door, I deemed it my duty to appear. 
But I see — 

Lid. {Hiding her chagrin and introducing, R. c] Mr. Digby 
de Rigby — Mr. Laurens — Mrs. Laurens. 

Rig. Why, Laurens, old boy ! 

Mer. [To Lid.] They're old friends. 

Rig. Why, old fellow, come to my arms ! [Embrace tragi- 
comically. Lau. rattles hat-box against Rig's back, as he clasps 
him in his arm^.] 

Mer. Goodness, my hat ! 

Rig. [Rubbing his back.] Your hat is heavy. I suppose it's 
the latest thing. Felt, no doubt. I felt it. 

Lid. I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. De Rigby, but that 
room was intended for your friends. 

Rig. It was Spencer's doing. He put me there. 

Lid. [r.] It was a mistake. 

Rig. Fortunately I havn't unpacked yet. I'll surrender the 
position at once. 

Lau. [ Grosses to c] Extraordinary man. Falls in love; and 
into trouble, with equal ease. Our acquaintance began by my 
snatching him from a watery grave. When I brought him out, 
the billets-doux floated from his pockets, like feathers from a 
pillow. 



18 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

RiGBY re-enters with his things. 

Righy. There, ladies, the coast is clear ! 

Nap and John enter with large trunk, c. 

Lid. [ Crosses to l.] In there ! [ They take trunk L. 1 E.] 
Lau. [^Crossing to door, l.] You see, my dear, everything 



3Ier. I hope my hat is. \^Exits, L., Lau. follows.'\ 

Lid. [To Big.^ Will you put your things down, please, and 

excuse me for a moment or two ? [J.stc?e.] What shall I do 

with him ? [Exits, R. 2 D.] 

John and Nap come out and exeunt, c. 

Big. [Looks round, baggage in hand."] Certainly ! That's a 
very pretty woman, Laurens' wife. So is Spencer's. It was a 
good idea of mine to come down for two weeks, and I can stay 
longer, if I want to. Where did she mean for me to put my 
things? [Looks round, goes to door, R. 1 E., aiid looks m.] 
Empty ! This must be the place. [Exits, r. 1 e,] 

Spencer enters, c. 

Spencer. This way, Aunt Cornelia ! 

Mrs. Partradge enters, c. 

This way ! I hope you found the journey pleasant. 

Mrs. Partradge. Oh, very. But where 's Barbie ? '[Calling.'] 
Barbie, child, come along! 

Barbie. [Outside.] Coming, aunt! 

Barbie enters, c. 

Barbie. Coming! [Sp. goes to Bar., whom he takes by the 
hand.] 

Sp. [c] Lida will be here in a minute, to give you a sister's 
■welcome. She's rather busy. We have a lot of company. 

Bar. That's jolly. 

Mrs. P. [r.] Don't say "jolly." You mean that the pros- 
pect is agreeable. [To Sp.] Our young ladies in Massachusetts 
are afflicted Avith the worst form of Anglo-mania. She's got a 
dreadful assortment of "jolly's" and "awful's," with I don't 
know how many other English importations. 






OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 19 

Bar. [l.] I don't consider them any worse than our own 
Down-Eastisms. I prefer "jolly " to scrumptious any time o'day. 

3frs. P. "Any time o'day!" That'll do, Miss'! [To Sp.} 
Whom have you got with you? Old people? Young people? 

Sp. Young married couple — two young gentlemen. 

Mrs. P. [ 0)-osses to c] My dear, you must dress at once ! 

Bar. \_Crosses to c, close to Sp."] Are they awfully jolly? 
I mean, is the prospect agreeable ? 

Sp. [r.] Very. 

Bar. [ To Mrs. P.] Then I'll wear a train at dinner. I don't 
want to be taken for a mere child, at the very first. 

3Irs. P. [Crosses to c] You'll never be taken for anything 
else. Mr. Spencer, she's too tall for her years, so you musn't get 
a wrong impression from her talk. 

Sp. Oh, I won't. \_Going to h-I Lida set these rooms apart 
for you. {^Crossing to R. 1 E.] 

Mrs. P. Then come along, dear. [_Pulls open door and starts 
back.l Oh ! [RiG.'s arm in shirt-sleeves apj)ears, and draws the 
door close again.'\ 

Righy. [ Within.'] Good gracious ! 

Bar. [l.] What's the matter, aunt? 

Mrs. P. [ To Sp.] There's a gentleman in there ! [ To Bar.] 
The person we met in the cars. The Due de Montebello's sales- 
man. The drummer! {^Crosses to L.] 

Si^. Oho ! [Laughs ] That's not bad. We'll drum him 
out. [La^ighs.] 

3frs. P. What are you laughing about ? 

S}^. You'll see in a moment. [Goes to door.] Rigby! 

Rigby. [Inside^ Yes. 

Sp. [Gels c] Here's a surprise for you. 

Bar. [To Mrs. P.] What can he mean? 

Mrs. P. [l.] I think I know. 

Bar. I see. He's been imposing on them as somebody he 
isn't! 

Mrs. P. He imposed on us as somebody he wasn't. 

Rigby enters from r. 1. d. ; Bar. advances to face him, hut Mrs. 
P. puts her aside. 

Righy. Now, old boy — [Sees Bar^ The angel ! [ Crosses to 
Sp. and sees Mrs. P.] The devil ! 

Sp. [l. c] Allow me, my friend, Mr. Digby de Rigby, re- 
cently arrived from England; de Rigby, Mrs. Partradse, my 
wife's aunt, her niece, Miss Vaughn, my sister-in-law. [At the 
introduction Rig. advances to each lady.] 



20 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 



4 



Rig. Ladies! [J.sic?e.] I should like the ground to open 
and swallow me, [To Bar.~\ I had the happiness of meeting 
you on the train. You probably don't recall the fact. 

Bar. [r. c] Oh, yes — distinctly. 

Big. {Pleased.'] Ah! 

Mrs. P. Distinctly. 

Big. l_Disco7icerted.'\ Oh! [^Looks dejected. Mrs. P. turns 
away, and converses with Sp. about him.1 

Bar. l^Sweetly.'] I had not forgotten your kind attentions. 

Big. [^Brightening.] You are very good ! Who could pos- 
sijbly foresee our meeting here ? I had begun to look upon the 
incident as one " Gone glimmering in the mist of things that 
were," as the poets put it. [Sp. explains to Mrs. P.] 

Bar. Then I propose we leave it there and begin anew. 
[ Gives hand.] 

Big. How gracefully you help me out of my difficulty! So 
you are not angry ? 

Bar. No. I look on it as a good joke. 

Big. You are amiability itself — as good at heart as you are 
love — 

Bar. No more jokes, now — we are acquainted ! [Goes up n.] 

Big. [To Sp.] Old fellow- — [Close to him.] the niece is an 
angel. 

Sp. You assured me of that before. Now, make your peace 
with the aunt. I wish you may find her one! [Goes to Bar., 
who .nts in front of the fire-place.] 

Big. [To Mrs. P.] Madam, I am inconsolable. What must 
you think of me ? [Sp. and Bar. talk.] 

Mrs. P. I should have preferred, for your sake, we had not 
met again so soon. 

Big. Don't say that. It affords me the opportunity of ex- 
plaining the little jest to a lady, whose good opinion I am anxious 
to gain. 

Mrs. P. Mr. Spencer tells me that you frequently indulge in 
these little jokes. He endeavored to make me understand, if I 
caught his idea, that no one regarded them from you, as they 
might from another sort of person. 

Big. Forbear, I beg. 

3frs. P. You admit, I suppose, that there 'should be a limit to 
jesting with ladies. 

Big. There should be ! For instance, nobody would jest with 
you, not if he knew you ! If I had only remembered your niece's 
kindness in the past — not this one, but the other ; or, in fact, per- 
haps remembered this one, and recollected that Miss Lida, or 
rather Mrs. Spencer — Paul's wife in fact; that is, I say, if I had 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 21 

only remembered that she — that is, that you — \_Emphasizes the 
latter part of his speech by pointing on his fingers and finishes 
with:^ You understand? [^Dr ops his glass. ^ 

Bar. \_To Sp.'\ Do help him, poor fellow! He's tangling 
himself all up. 

Sp. [ Crosses to Big.l The ladies are more than disposed to 
forgive you, Digby, I'm sure, so let's change the subject. How 
did you get into that room ? 

Rig. I understood from your wife, that I was to go in there. 

Sp. There must be some mistake. The room belongs to these 
ladies. 

Big. I beg a thousand pardons. \_Botvs to them.'] Fortu- 
nately I've not unpacked. I'll beat a retreat at once. [^Exits, 

R. 1 E.] 

Sp. All right. [To Mrs. P.] Isn't he a good creature after 
all? 

Bar. [r.] I like him. He's awful jol — I mean the pros- 
pect is agreeable. 

3Irs. P. [^Angrily.'] Ahem ! [l.] It does seem as if chil- 
dren always liked story-tellers. He actually represented himself 
as a travelling salesman. 

Sp. Well, aunt, you know you didn't take him for anything 
of the kind. 

3Irs. P. Yes, but what could he have taken us for ? I don't 
like him at all ! [ Crosses to c] 

K.IGBY re-enters, loaded with luggage. 

Righy. Ladies, the apartments are yours. 

Sp. Allow me. \_Conducts Mrs P. to door; she bows stifily to 
Rig. and exits, R. 1 E.] 

Bar. An revoir ! [Potfs, exits r. 1 E.] 

Rig. [l.] I say, it was an unfortunate position. The aunt 
seems to have considerable acidity left. 

Sp. [r.] Oh, you know how to correct all that. 

Rig. \_Still holding his things.'] I'm afraid not. Everything 
has gone wrong. In the first place I cram her with that cham- 
pagne story, then take possession of her room ! It's fate — Kismet, 
as the Turks say. 

LiDA enters, R. 2 d., wrings her hands at sight of Rig. Sp. makes 
a gesture of despair to her, unperceived by Rig. Lida 7-uns 
ofi, c. 

Rig. Apropos of fate and predestination, my dear boy, where 
do I sleep ? It seems I'm on the wrong floor. 



22 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. The fact is, I forgot where we intend to put you. I'll ask 
my wife if she remembers. 

Big. \_Crosses to r.] I havn't succeeded in changing my 
coat, you know, so if you will be so kind — [Lida again looks 
in and disappears.'] 

Sp. Pardon me one moment, Lida wants me. [Exits, o.] 

.Hig. There he runs off. I shall certainly get left. Every- 
body is dressing for dinner, and I can't get a moment for my 
exterior. 

Mima enters, r. u. e. 

Mima. Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr. Spencer. 

Rig. [r.] Oh, ah! are you a — are you maid here? 

Mini, [l.] Some people say I'm made too much of here. 

Rig. Clever ! Soubrette, as they say on the stage. Now then, 
Susan — 

Mim Jemima, if you please — Mima for short. I'm the 
farmer's daughter. 

Rig. "Only a farmer's daughter?" I hope all the farmers 
in the neighborhood are similarly blessed. 

Mim. [Looking at his luggage.'] Can I help you in any way? 

Rig. You can, if you know which is my room. 

Mim. Certainly. I suppose you are Mr. Flutterby? 

Rig. No. I'm not Mr. Butterfly. I'm Mr. Digby de Rigby. 

Mim. [Shakes her head.] No Buch person. No Mr. Rigby. 

Rig. [r.] I beg your pardon, oh ! [Looks at labels on his 
luggage to see that he is the person that it belongs to.] 

Mim. No room for him here. I guess he's one over. 

Rig. [Struck.] That's it! Vmdetrop. [CTOS--<es to \j.] One 
over, and one to carry. [Looks at his baggage.] But, I say, [c] 
show me to any empty room. 

Mim. [Shakes her head.] All full. 

Rig. What ? That's why they dislodged me from every posi- 
tion! 

Mim. You wait here. I'll think of somethhig. Don't go, 
mind. I'll take care of you. [Exits, c] 

Rig. [Drops baggage.] Just my luck ! Amiable hostess — 
pretty guests — lovely angel from the railroad — charming farm- 
er's daughter — two weeks' time on my hands — and I must leave 
them ! I hope there's a train. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 23 



Barbie and Mrs. Partradge enter from their room, Meryl 
and Laurens from theirs. 

Barbie. Why, Mr. de Rigby, going ? 

Laurens. Hallo, Rigby ! What's up ? 

Meryl, [l. c] You're not going away ? 

Mrs. Partradge. [r.] No fear of that. 

Big. [c] Well, you see, the fact is — Spencer — that is — I — 

Spencer and Lida enter, c. 

Spencer. My dear fellow, was anything ever so unfortunate ? 

Rig. Never mind. It's my fault. I ought to have written. 
I regret the inconvenience I have already caused — and, if you 
will let me have the use of your horses — 

Lida. The horses? 

Sp. What are you thinking of? 

Big. Of leaving at once. I promise myself the pleasure at 
another time. 

Sp. Nothing of the kind. ^ 

Bar. Oh, dear! 

Mrs. P. Barbie ! 

Lau. [l., crosses to l. c] I say, Spencer, can't we divide up 
our closets between him. 

Bar. and Mer. Yes, yes ! [Bar. advancing to Big., Mrs. P. 
pulls her back, and she passes around the table to the R. C. Mrs. 
P. revionstrates with her.^ 

Sp. It's all arranged. [To Big.'] You're to stay with us— 
only we must beg of you to put up with apartments at the farm- 
house. 

Big. At the farm-house! [Aside.'] Where the pretty daugh- 
ter lives. [Aloud.] I'm afraid it's too much trouble. 

Sp. Not a bit. 

Mima enters, c. 

Lid. Here comes Mima. She'll show you the way. 

3Iima. Are you ready ? Only through the grounds ! 

Bar. He'll want a light. 

Lid. It's not far. Remember, dinner at seven. We expect 
you promptly. 

Big. [Picks up baggage, going up stage.] I hear and obey, as 
the Turks say. 

Sp. You're not angry ? 



24 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Rig. Not a bit. 

Mim. This Avay. 

Lid. and Mer. Seven, mind ! 

Rig. Till seven, au revoir, as the angels say. 

Bar. He's overloaded. Let's help him. 

Mer. Yes, yes ! 

3Irs. P. Barbie ! Barbie ! 

3fim. No, no ! I will. 

AU run to assist Rig., Mrs. P. advances to check Bar,, who 'picks 
up the gun-case, and threatens her into r. corner. 

Rig. Never! En route! Forward march ! 

Mim. leads the way, Rig. following. Rest form animated tableau 
of farewell. Waving of handkerchiefs as Uncle enters, c, 
on stairs. 

Uncle. Hello! [^To Mim.'] Did you take his sofa, too ? 
Bar. No. We took his room. 



Curtain, Quick. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 25 



ACT 11. 

Same scene as last. Night. After dinner of the same day. Lamp 

on table, R. 

Spencer is discovered writing at the table. Barbie enters 
from her room, R. 1 e. 

Barbie, [l.] Not gone yet ? 

Spencer. Not yet. I'm glad you came clown before I left. A 
pretty girl always brings a sportsman luck. 

Bar. You have to thank auntie for it. She began to preach 
me a sermon, so I ran off. \_Crosses to c] 

Sp. What fault does she find ? 

Bar. Just think 1 She says I received too much attention 
this evening. 

/Sp. Ah! _ 

Bar. And that it isn't proper for a young girl. Now I ask 
you, who is to receive attention ? [ Crossing to bell on pedestal 
and back.^ 

Sp. Who, indeed ! \_Iii7igs, rises."] 

John enters, r. u. e., receives letter and exits, c. 

Bar. Old ladies can't, married ladies mustn't, so there's no- 
body but young girls left — and yet we're scolded. 

Sp. What did she say to that admirable presentation of the 
case ? 

Bar. You should have heard ! But I know it's all her preju- 
dice against poor Mr. De Rigby. Now what did we do ? I 
'"leave it to you ! We sat together at table and laughed and joked, 
and afterwards we looked over your book of photographs to- 
gether. 

Sp. And afterwards he handed you tea, and sat with you to 
drink it, and finally you sang and played with him. 

Bar, [l., pauses, then fixedly.] Do you want to begin at me, 
too? 

Sp. Oh ! no. I want you to enjoy yourself. 

Bar. [^Brightly.'] I did enjoy myself very much. He is so 
.awfully jolly. 

Sp. So he is. But see here, Barbie, I don't want to preach 



26 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

like aunt ; but being your brother-in-law, and having some respon- 
sibility, while you are here, I feel bound to say a few cautious 
words in reason. 

Bar. That's all right. Speak to me in reason and I'll listen 
in reason. 

Jackson enters c, after a knock. He is a farmer and gamekeeper, 
combined, dressed in semi-hunting costume. Carries three guns 
and puts them in vestibule. 

Jackson, [c] Good evening, sir. 

Sp. Ah, Jackson ! Wait a moment, will you ? 

Bar. No, no, attend to your business first. You and I won't 
get through in a moment. \_Cro8ses to L., sits on sofa and takes 
book tip.'] 

Jack. I've cleaned the guns, sir. 

Sp. You think we'll have some sport ? 

Jack. I'll drive you to Hollar's by daybreak, sir, and give 
the gentlemen as fine a day as they ever had. I know they're 
all good shots. 

Bar. {^Looking up from her book] Is Mr. De Rigby a good" 
shot, Jackson ? 

Jack. Yes, Miss. He makes a deal of fun all the time, but it 
don't interfere with business. 

Bar. [ To herself.] I cannot understand why they are all so 
down on him. 

Jack. I'll send the dogs on ahead of us, to the swale west of 
Mel ford ; and if you put Mr. Laurens just beyond the chestnuts, 
and Mr. De Rigby towards the bushes, they'll all have some of 
the woodcock. The other gentleman, Mr. Flutterby, he don't 
mind, I reckon, where he's put. I guess he's no sportsman. 

Sp. l^Looks at wat<;h.] We start at ten, sharp. Moon will be 
full up then. The others have gone to dress. Have the wagon 
round on time. 

Jack. [ Going up c] Yes, sir. 

Sp. Huw is Mr. De Rigby doing at your house? I hope 
your daughter takes good care of him. 

Jack. [Stopping at door.] No fear of that, sir. She's de- 
voted to him. [Exits, R. 3 E.] 

Sp. [To Bar.] Did you hear that? Now he is devoting 
himself to Mima. 

Bar. [Seated,ij.] Jackson didn't say that. He only said sAe 
was devoted to him. And I can't blame her. He has evidently 
treated her with the unvarying politeness, which he shows to 
every woman. 



OUH ENGLISH FRIEND. 27 

Sp. [ Crossing and sitting beside her.'] Now look here, my dear 
child— 

Bar. [ Warningly.'] We are to talk in reason. 

iSp. Certainly. To begin, I know my friend Rigby thor- 
oughly, and I must tell you, that his habit is to flatter all your 
sex indiscriminately. 

Bar. I think it is a very nice habit. 

Sp. Certainly. But the ladies must not take it too seriously. 

Bar. Ah ! I grant you that. But I must say, that he never 
flatters me the least bit. 

Sp. Ah ! — now come. 

Bar. However, it's just as well you warned me. I'll be very 
careful. I'll sit next to him at table for the last time to-morrow, 
and observe him carefully. 

Sp. You seem to take a great deal of interest in him. 

Bar. How can I help it? First aunt warns me against him, 
and now you. 

Sp. I don't warn you against him, but against yourself. 

Bar. {_Piqued, rises.] That is quite unnecessary. [Crosses to 
K.] You needn't think that I can be caught as easily as my 
sister was. [Sp. looks blank and digs his hands into his pockets.] 

LiDA enters, r. 2 d., with Spencer's small bag and strap in her 
hand, stops. 

Lida. Well, well ! What's the matter here ? 

Sp. Declaration of Independence by the colony of Massachus- 
setts Bay ! 

Bar. I'll go back to aunt. She's talked out at least, and I 
can have some rest. [Exits, r. 1 E.] 

Lid. I want to ask you about this bag, Paul. Will this do, 
or will you take the valise, too ? 

Sp. Why, my darling, from the preparations you make, one 
■would think I was ofl" for a week — when we'll only be gone for a 
day and back for dinuer to-morrow. That's enough. Put every- 
thing else in a hamper. 

Lid. We'll pack it at once. 

Sp. And I can talk to you, meanwhile, about Barbie. 

Lid. [r.] About Barbie? 

Sp. Yes, you'll have all day to-morrow to attack her. 

Lid. Attack her — about what ? 

Sp. Well, I don't exactly know myself. [Crosses to a..] Ask 
your aunt. 

Lid. My dear, don't forget one tiling. 

Sp. What is that? 



28 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Lid. Barbie and I are sisters. 

Sp. Charming ones. 

Lid. And we never can bear a lecture, except — 

Sp. Why, you always listened to me ! 

Lid. I was about to state the exception. We never take a 
lecture, except from one we love. \_Exits, r. 2 E.] 

Sp. Oh ! that never struck me before. I'm an idiot ! [Exits 
after Lid."} 

Mima enters, R. u. E., passing Sp., and bearing a tray with tea-pot, 
etc. J ACKSO^s following ivith gun, which he puts against table, R. 

Jackson, [r.] Give me another cup. 

Mima. Why, papa ! three cups of tea ! No, sir, not another 
drop ! You'll certainly turn into an old maid. 

Jack. If tea-drinking does that, I wish you'd take to it 
furiously. 

Mi7n. \_Puts tray on cabinet, l.] Why, papa ? 

Jack. There's a deal too much attention paid you, to please 
me. I want you for the next ten years — no less. 

Jfm. Don't be afraid, papa. Nobody will carry me off. 
When will you be back ? 

Jack, [r., feeling in his poekets.'\ To-morrow night. Con- 
found it ! 

Mim. \_Produces pipe and pouch from her pocket.~\ Looking 
for your pipe ? Here it is — you forgot and left it on the table. 

Jack. That's my girl! [Loading his pipe.'} 

Mim. Mr. De Rigby said it was a jolly old piece of briar 
wood. I think he's very nice, don't you, papa ? [Striking match 
for him.~\ 

Jack. I'll tell you after he's gone. We musn't judge people 
too hastily. 

Mim. You have no idea how many pretty things he carries 
in his valise. I spread them all out on his table. The loveliest 
note-paper, and envelopes, and puff-boxes, and ivory brushes, and 
bottles of scents— they perfume the whole room. 

Jack. He's just the sort of dandy to catch you gals ! Bah — 
you havn't a drop of hunter's blood in you ! But if it comes to 
singing and playing the planner, or that other new-fangled thing 
— the sicker — 

Mim. The zither, papa. 

Jack. Or working blue monkeys on a fine screen, you don't 
take odds from no one. Such an infernal lot of useless accom- 
plishments for a gal, I never hurd on. 

Mim. [Defiantly.'] But that ain't all I can do ! I can cook 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 29 

anything you can give a name to! I can make every stitch I've 
got on ! As for singing, I admit I'm fond of it. 

Jack, [r., dryly.^ Which do you like best — solos or duetts f 

Mim. [i<afters.] What do you mean, papa? [^ Walks cnoay.l 

Jack. I've been wanting to talk to you for some time. {_Goes 
up to see if they are alone, then goes to fire-place^ Come here to 
me ! 

Mim. \_Close to the tea-things at cabinet.'] I can hear very well 
where I am. 

Jack. Dodging like a grouse ! Well, to speak plainly, I don't 
like your duetts with that fellow from the drug store. 

Mim. [ Who has been nervously fussing with tea-cup.] Heavens ! 
\_Drops it.] It slipped from my fingers. 

Ja^k. It slipped from your bad conscience ! 

Mim. I havn't got a bad conscience — although I do sing with 
young Mr. Blum in church. Is that wrong ? 

,Jack. Sing with him — no! But I saw him squeeze your hand 
turning over the music ! The infernal, impudent, Dutch apothe- 
cary rascal! He's got more assurance than forty Yankees put 
together ! 

il/m. \_Amazed.] Why, papa! he's exceedingly bashful ! It's 
hereditary and is quite a defect. It runs in his family. 

Jack. It's run out of his family ever since he was born, then! 
How a sensible, clean American girl like you can fancy a man, 
who smells of carbolic soap a mile off— beats me ! 

3Iim. You've just happened to meet him, when he's been 
mixing. 

Jack. Well, I don't like his mixing with you — that's flat! 
Listen to my first and last say on the subject : No pill-grinder 
shall have my daughter! [Mim. throws herself, pouting, into sofa, 
L.] Don't cry, now — it's all for your good. [i?e goes to her.] 
You leave it to me, and I'll get you a nice young fellow from the 
neighborhood. 

Mim. '[Sobs.] I don't want a nice young fellow from the 
neighborhood ! 

Jack. [ Going to fire to light his pipe, which had gone out.] Of 
course not ! domestic goods never take with the women ! It's the 
imported article they want ! [Ring at the bell, c. D.] 

Mim. Goodness ! [Runs to door, opens it, and sees Blum, shuts 
it quickly, holding it close.] 

Jack. Who is it? 

3Iim. I — oh — oh ! 

Blum. [Outside.] Good evening, Miss Mima! 

Jack. It's the Dutchman ! He's just in time to get a piece of 
my mind ! 



30 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Mlm. Papa, I beg of you not to be rude ! Remember, we 
are not in our own house, and Mr. Blum don't come here to see 
us. And, anyway, a person of his retiring disposition is easily 
hurt. [Blum tries to rush in the door, she keeps her back to ii.] 
If he were a forward, pushing character — 

Blum bursts in. 

Mim. Oh ! 

Blum. l^Backs on, bumping the door openJ] Aha ! I got him 
open ! He sticks ! [Examines door and tries it.'\ What he 
sticks for ? [Sees 3fimJ] Oh, it was you sticks him ? It was 
fun — you was making some jokes ? 

Mim. [l.] Don't you see papa? 

BL [Going to Jack., stepping over gnn.^ Ah, papa! Lieber 
papa! good evening! [Tries to take Jack.'s hand, and insists, at 
last, on shaking it.'] Aha ! You makes some jokes, too ! You 
shall shake me ! you got noding de matter with your hand dere ! 
[Surveys him.] And how you was des time? You was well 
looking — you was looking good. Ha! ha! you don't want some 
drug stores ! 

Jack, [r.] No — nor no druggists neither ! 

BL Ha! ha! ha! Tat was goot! I tell dat everywhere. 
Den everybody laughs at you. 

Jack. [Curtly.] Do you want to see me? 

BL [c] Yes. I was at your house, and dey say you was up 
here. You know dat Mr. Groobie — my boss, what you call it. 
Well, he was, what dey say — he was going out cunning to- 
morrow. 

Jack. Cunning to-morrow ? 

BL Chooding. To knock over some birds. Dis way — 
[Takes up gun and points at Jack.] 

Jack. Put that thing down. You mean he's going shooting, 
I understand. [J.si(ie.] Infernal monkey! 

BL I thought I makes you understand. 

Jack. Well, what does Mr. Groobie want ? 

BL Well, Mr. Groobie he is got a cun, but he is got no 
gardriges. He say you know his cun — it was a bridge-loader 
like Mr. Spencer, and he wants some cardriges, if you got some 
more dan dere is birds to choot. 

Jack. I'll give him some in a second. Just wait here. [ Go- 
ing, c] 

BL I guess he don't want some with too much powder, dot 
blows him backwards. 

Jack. I make my cai'tridges right. He can depend upon 
that. [At door, c, gives a warniiig look to Mim., and exits, c.J 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 31 

Bl. [Seizing Mim. around the waist and bringing her down.'] 
Shust imagine how I was dat delighted when Mr. Groobie he 
found he was out of gardriges and I had to come. 

2fim. [l.] It was our lucky star. 

Bl. Yes, I was dot star. I dook gare to drd^ dose gar- 
driges down de well myself. 

3Iiin. Good gracious ! 

BL It makes nodiug. It was healthy for the water, and 
I ran here all de way — over de stones and through the dark. 

llim. How did you get on without falling? 

BL I didn't. I just come on my hands and knees all the 
way. 

Mim. Are you sure you're not hurt? 

BL It is noding. What hurts me is dat your fader, he is 
not lovely to me. 

Mim. No, indeed. It was just before you came in, he said — 

BL What? 

Mim. Hush ! Here he is. 

BL But my darling. [Sings'] " Tra-la-la!" 

She darts away, as Jackson re-enters. 

Jackson. Did you speak to me ? 

BL It is noding. I was making a little sing-song mit my 
troat. 

Jack. It sounded very affectionate. Here are the cartridges. 

BL How much dey is? [Hand in pocket.] 

Jack. [Crosses to R.] Oh, I'll see him myself Tell him the 
party starts at ten. 

BL Den I'll be off. 

Jack. You havn't got a moment to lose. 

BL [Takes Jack's reluctant hand.] Good night. I hope 
you have luck. 

Jack, [k., dashing his hand away.] Go to the devil ! 

Mim. [r. c] Now you have done it. 

BL [c] What haft I done? 

Jack. Don't you know, you stick of liquorice, that you never 
ought to wish a man luck in shooting? It spoils the whole 
day. [Mim. nods to Blum in confirmation as he turns to her.] 

BL 80? I beg ten thousand pardons. But I make it all 
right. I hope I may die den, if I don't wish dat you never hit a 
bird and dat you choot one anoder. [E.nts precijntately, c] 

Jack. [Threatens with gun.] Get out! [Steps towards door, 
c] That's a pretty fellow for a husband! Deuced ignorance, 
combined with the cheek of the devil. 



32 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Ifim, You can't expect a doctor to know much about shooting. 

Jack. No, he does his killing another way. 

il/im. Oh, papa! 

Jack. You're a good girl, and worthy a better husband than 
a poison mixer. Reflect on what I've said. \_Exits, R. u. e.] 

Mim. Yes, papa, I'll reflect. \_Goes to window, l. c] The 
only way to get around father is to pretend to give in. And I 
must get around him — for it's no use, I cannot give up my 
Theobald. 

[^Song in which Blum joins, opening the window and looking in.] 

Love is everywhere; 

From its pains who is ever free? 
And its bondage, so lovers declare, 

Far sweeter is than liberty ! 
While the moonlight is beaming so fair, 
And night birds sweetly singing. 

To deny Love's dominion 

What mortal can dare? 
A maiden finds Love everywhere. 

To deny Love's dominion 

What mortal can dare? 
- A maiden finds Love everywhere. 

MIm. You havn't gone? 

Blum. \_At window^ I couldn't until you told me what your 
fader said. 

Mim. He has forbidden me to have anything to do with you. 
Blum. Den we must bart forever. 
Mim. We must. [ Goes down stage."] 

Blum looks after her, then leaves window and comes in, steals 
down, putting his arm around her waist. 

Blum. Chemima! Let us talk over dat parting. 

Mim. [l.] Don't! 

Bl, [k.] Will anybody come? 

J/tm. No. They are all in their rooms or busy. The gen- 
tlemen are getting ready to start for the game to-night, 

BL [^Futs bag of cartridges on table, r.] And your fader — 
where is he gone? 

3Iim. To the cottage for the wagon. He won't be back for 
some time. 

Bl. Suppose he forgot something, and come back right away 
quick? 

Mim. What have we to be afraid of? You can explain to 
him. , 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 33 

Bl. Yes, if he gif me some time. He is pretty quick, you 
know. 

3Iim. \_Musingly.'] It might precipitate matters. 

BL So it might, unless I run. 

3Iim. I mean, it would compel us to declare our feelings. 
Oh, how he does hate foreigners! He says he don't know how I 
can love a Dutchman! 

Bl. Don't he! Veil, just let him fall in love with a German 
girl once ! He gets so grazy, he don't know nodings. [_Buttons 
his coat.^ De next time I meet him I brobose. I don't was 
afraid of him. A fader don't haf no right to keep from his 
daughter de berson what she lofFs. 

3Iim. Don't begin by rousing his wrath. 

Bl. He has roused my rats. I stand no nonsense. 

Flutierhy. [ Outside.^ I tell you it's all right, my dear fellow. 

Mhn. Hush! Oh, that's him! 

Bl. [ Wilting.'] I guess I better not see him just now. 

Mim. It's not father — it's Mr. De Rigby. 

Bl. [Jealous.'] Mr. — who ? 

Mim. One of the guests. He's stopping at the cottage. He's 
been down there since dinner, getting ready for the hunt. 

Bl. Mima — you don't — • 

Mim. Mr. Flutterby's with him. Don't meet them. Wait 
till they go away. 

Bl. [ Crosses l. up.] I wait outside the door. 

3Iim. Do — no — they're just at the door. Go in the closet. 
[Pulls him round and hurries him into closet xmder the stair c.] 
Don't break anything. 

Bl. I smodder in dere. 

Mim. You must squeeze in. [Shutting him in.] Just in 
time. 

Bl. [Putting his head out.] Chemima, which shelf is the 
brandy peaches on ? [She slams door upon him.] 

Rigby and Flutterby enter, c, in hunting costume. 

Rigby. [c] Nobody down yet. [Sees Mini., e.] Ah, my 
young hostess! [To Flut.] You have seen my wigwam; let 
me present the fair squaw, who graces it with her presence. 
[ Crosses r. and sits at table. Mim. ctirtsies.] 

Flutterby. Charming. She even curtsies. Quite an early 
English squaw. [Crosses R.] 

Mim. [Going up, c] I wonder how long they'll keep Theo- 
bald in the closet ? 

Big. Pretty creature, eh ? 
3 



34 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Flut. I don't much care for these children of nature. If you 
move among women of society, you soon lose your taste for the 
uncultivated variety. 

Rig. The wild strawberry has a flavor of its own, very much 
to my liking. 

Flut Tastes differ. 

Rig. Yes. Have a. cigar ? [ Offers case^ 

Flut. Thank you, I prefer cigarettes, \_Tahes out small case. 
Rig. lights his cigar. Flut. watches him without lighting his.^ 
They say he makes love to every woman he meets. He paid 
Mrs, Laurens marked attention this evening. I'll find out his 
game, and what I have to fear in him. [^Spoken aside^ 

Rig. Got a light ? {^Offers box.'] 

Flut. Thanks. \_Lights cigarette^ 

Mim. l^At back.l They are going to settle down. Oh dear ! 
[Bl. puts his head out and quickly withdraws it.l 

Flut. \_iSits.^ Yeu had an enviable seat at dinner. 

Rig. Between Mrs. Laurens and Miss Barbie. I was set like 
a pearl in diamonds. 

Flat. I had to do the amiable to the aunt. 

Rig. Nice old lady. When I speak to her niece, her eyes 
become gimlets, and screw into my very soul. I tried to engage 
her in conversation during one of your frequent pauses. I said, 
" I hope we shall have a fine day to-morrow." 

Fhd. "Well, how did she take it ? 

Rig. She told me, I might as well have added that brilliant 
remark to all the rest I had bestowed on her niece. 

Flut. Not bad that. 

Rig. No, and done like a flash. It quite stunned me. 

Flut. We agree upon the aunt — so pass her over. 

Rig. Oh, I pass. 

Fhd. Which of the others do you like best ? 

Rig. That's hard to say. 

Fhd. A connaisseur like you, must have an opinion. You 
paid them all marked attention. 

Rig. {^Flattered.'] You noticed it? That's one of my points. 
The poetry of my nature, for want of the literary faculty, ex- 
presses itself in general homage to the sex. 

Fhd. Very neatly termed — considering your want of the lite- 
rary faculty. [ J.side.] Conceited ass. [ Crash heard in closet.^ 

Mim. \^Aside.^ Heavens ! he has stepped on something. 

Rig. What's that? 

Mim. [^Running down L., then wjo.] That? It must have 
been the cat. 

Rig. Sounded like two or three cats. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 35 

Mim. [Aside.'] Oh, dear! [Aloud.'] Puss! puss! puss! 
[Exits, R. u. E.] 

Flut. [Crosses to l.] I see that you are too much of a diplo- 
mat, to show your hand. But, as we are the only bachelors in 
the house, suppose we confide in each other — just enough to avoid 
competition. 

Big. [r.] Very sensible idea. 

Flut. [ Offers hand.] We will hold nothing back. 

Rig. [ Takes hand.] Make a clean breast of it. You begin. 

Flut. I'm quite willing. [Suddenly.] What do you think of 
Mrs. Laurens ? 

Eig. Mrs. Laurens? Charming! Harmony in face, form, 
voice, mind, dress and everything — a poem ! a rhythm of nature, 
metaphysically speaking. 

Flut. [Aside.] I suspected it. But I'll save her. 

Eig. You are silent. You don't agree with me? 

Fhd. On the contrary — it's precisely my idea of her. 

Eig. [Sighs.] But she's married. « 

Flut. You find that embarrassing ? 

Eig. Naturally. She's an appropriated treasure. Laurens 
is a happy man. So is she. I mean they are a happy couple. 

Flut. It is an obstacle. 

Eig. It's an obstacle there's no getting over. 

Flut. [r.] Perhaps. [Se^iding a curl of smoke out of his 
mo^tth.] Did you ever speculate in stocks? 

Eig. No, but another fellow did for me, though ! I wish he 
hadn't. 

Fhd. Well, sometimes your fancy is at a premium — some- 
times it goes down to nothing. That's the way with matrimonial 
felicity. If you think of investing your attentions profitably, 
watch the market. 

Eig. [Eye-glass up, L.] Investing your attentions ! That's 
something new. 

Flut. For instance. Last summer I went to Newfoundland 
with them. Laurens was out all day, hunting white porpoises. 

Eig. White porpoises ? 

Flut. White porpoises. 

Eig. Oh, I know, those fellows that turn sommersaults in the 
air. 

Flut. His wife sat for hours on the shore, watching for his re- 
turn. Stocks were up. No time to buy. 

Eig. [r.] You mean the grapes were sour. That's an 
equally suitable metaphor. 

Flut. I waited for a change in the market. 

Eig. Indeed ! [Aside.] The fellow's a dangerous character. 



36 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Flut. \_A8ide.'\ He takes it coolly. The man's a practiced 
libertine. It's lucky I'm with 'em. [Loud.'] I think now, that 
stocks are going down. I predict a crash in the immediate fu- 
ture. \_Crosses to R., tahes lamp off and goes to staircase.'] Will 
you go to my room, till they are ready to start ? 

Rig. No, thank you. 

Flut. Excuse the lamp, [^sic^e.] He shan't have ten words 
with her, while he stays in the house. I'll see to that. [ Goes up 
with lamp and exits at back up stairs. Stage darkened.] 

Big. I wish that young gentleman hadn't confided his dia- 
bolical plans to me. I feel quite uncomfortable. 

Mima enters, r. u. e. 

Mima. Are you going to the farm-house, sir ? 

Big. No, I think I should prefer staying here for a chat 
with you. 

Mini. Oh, I havn't the time. I have to look after so much, 
and the wagon will be here presently. Why, you're all in the 
dark. Shall I get you a lamp ? 

Big. No. I'll go and look for the comet. I shall dream of 
white porpoises for a week. [Exits, c] 

Blum emerges. 

Blum. Gott im Himmel ! 

3[im. [Betreating.] What a noise you made. 

Bl. Don't go, Chemima. 

Mim. I must. He's coming back. [Exits, r. u. e.] 

Blum runs back, but puts his head out again ; hearing no one, he 

comes out. 

Blum. Mima ! Mima ! That's a nice idea ! If I can find 
my ways to the door — [Stumbles over stairs.] Where de deuce 
I leave those gardriges ? [ Gropes for them.] 

RiGBY re-enters, c. 

Bighy. Cigar's gone out. I left my matches here. [Feels on 
table and catches Bl.'s hand. Pall to and fro across table.] Who's 
this? 

Bl. [Aside, and sinking under table, trying to pull his hand 
away.] Jiminy Cripps! was dot her fader? 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 37 

Rig. Speak, can't you ? Who the dickens have I got hold 
of? 

Bl. If you will be so kind and let go my hand. 

Miff. Strange voice ! What do you want here ? [Seizes him 
by the collar.]^ What are you crawling about for ? 

Mima re-enters with lamp, shading it with her hand. Stage 
lightened. 

Mima. He must have got away by this time. [Sees the 
group.'] Oh! [Gives a little scream.'] 

Bl. Please, Miss Chemima, tell him it was all right. 

Rig. [Looks at both and releases him.] I see. It's the cat. 
I beg a thousand pardons. Don't let me interrupt the feline 
concert. [About to go.] 

Mlm. [Places lamp on table, up stage, and intercepts him.] 
No, you shan't go away like that. 

Rig. [c] But, my dear — 

Mim. [l., in tears and indignant] You must listen to me. 
We love one another. 

Rig. Accept my congratulations — but, as a third party is su- 
perfluous in such cases — 

Mim. It's not a laughing matter. 

Bl. No, it wasn't. It's no choke. We are met for de last 
time. Her fader won't haf me. 

Rig. It's growing tragical. 

Mim. We first saw each other at the singing school. 

Rig. Getting musical. Just the place to establish harmoni- 
ous relations. 

Mim. [Litroducing.] Mr. de Rigby — Mr. Blum. 

Rig. How do you do, Mr. Blum. I regret that our first 
acquaintance was made in the dark. 

Bl. Dot's right. I have to keep in de dark as much as possi- 
ble. Her fader won't haf no druggist. It's a good business, too. 

Rig. Very, for the proprietor. [ Takes a hand of each.] Well, 
my children, and so you are wretched ? 

3fim. Yes. 

Rig. Be comforted. Think of Abelard and Heloise. 

Bl. Was you acquainted with them ? 

Rig. Not personally. But then, remember that poison party, 
Romeo and Juliet, and that water party, Hero and Leander! 

Bl. [r.] That's so, Mima. If your fader separates us, we 
drown ourself, or we poison de lemonade. 

Rig. Let us look the matter calmly in the face. We have 
one thing on our side. You love each other. 



38 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Bl. and Mim. We do. 

Rig. [c] I've been in love myself. 

Mim. [l.] I'm so glad ! \_Boili take his hands.'] 

Bl. You know how it was yourself. * 

Rig. And I have learnt one lesson. If a woman loves a man 
slie will have him. 

Mim. Then sAe didn't love T/ott.^ 

Rig. Evidently. But, as you love him, we will succeed. I 
will be your friend, and, as the story book says, all will be well. 
[Crosses to l. Noise of wagon and whips outside.l 

Mim. Hark! There's father and the dogs. (To Bl.] Eun! 
No, wait. I'll go with you. The dogs mightn't know you, and 
if they saw you running — 

Bl. I mightn't like it, neither. 

Mim. Come with me. It's all right. [^Runs bach.] Thank 
you, Mr. de Rigby, from the bottom of my heart. 

Bl. \_Runs back.] I dank you, doo ! \_Embraces him and is 
pulled back by Mim., c] 

Rig. {Lights cigar.] This is too touching, and if it wasn't 
for the white porpoises that keep continually leaping up in my 
head, I could enjoy the situation. Confound that young scamp 
and his quotations in the matrimonial market. \_Exits, c] 

Noise of whips. Barbie runs in from her room, r. 1 e. . 
Barbie. What's all the noise about, I wonder. 
Spencer entering from r. u. e., in shooting dress, with Lida. 

Spencer. It's the dogs. Jackson has just arrived with them 
in the wagon. 

Lida. [c] At what hour shall we have dinner to-morrow, 
dear? 

Sp. [l.] It's very uncertain, darling, when we shall get 
back. It all depends upon the woodcock. 

Zdd. Well, about what hour, do you think ? 

Sp. Anywhere between six and nine. 

Lid. Three hours ! Everything will be spoiled. 

Sp. We shan't mind if we have a good day. 

Bar. \_Coming down R.] You won't mind. But what are 
we to do? \_To Lid.] That just shows what men are ! But it's 
the fault of the wives — they don't manage right. 

Lid. Indeed ! What would you call proper management in 
a case like this ? 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 39 

Bar. [Firmly, crosses to c] I would say : My darling, we 
dine at six, so arrange to be punctual. 

Sp. [To Lid., L.] There, my dear. 

Bar. [c] My heart bleeds for you, Lida, wken I see how 
you submit to your tyrant. 

Lid. [r.] But Paul is not a tyrant. 

Bar. Yes he is, and so are all the men, and yet they can be 
twisted around a woman's little finger. 

Lid. I thought so once. Get married, and you'll find out 
the mistake. 

Bar. I'll take precious good care not to; But I'll prove I'm 
right, all the same. I shall command, and I shall be obeyed! 
[Crosses to l., she lays on sofa, her head resting on ttvo cushions.^ 

Lid. You're a little goose. 

Laurens in shooting dress and Meryl enter from their room, l. 

Meryl. [ Crossiyig to c] What do you think I've been doing 
ever since dinner — making cartridges. 

Laurens. [Patting her cheeky You couldn't spend your time 
better. [Bar. shrugs her shoulders, and curls herself on sofa with 
a book, L.] 

3Ier. But the worst of it was, I hed to listen all the time to 
accounts of my liege lord's wonderful shots. 

Lau. Instructive, as well as amusing. [ To iSp.^ Did I ever 
tell you about that remarkable shot — 

Mer. [To Lau."] There, there! that'll do. Spare me any 
more of it. [Brings him down fro7it.li Did you remember, dear, 
that to-morrow was mother's birthday ? 

Lau. Is it ? I quite forgot. 

Mer. I hope you'll write to her. ^ 

Lau. Yes, I'll send her a telegram to-night. 

Mer. No, no, telegrams always alarm her. You can just add 
a line to my letter. It won't take a moment. Do it now. 
[ Urging him off.l 

Lau. I will, just as soon as I've seen the dogs safe in the cart. 
Pont never stops howling till he sees me. 

Sp. I'll go with you. [Exeunt, c] 

Lid. Men's solicitude for dogs is something touching. 

Mer. It's a sad thing for us. Take my advice, and never let 
your husband become so infatuated with sport. 

Lid. Oh, let them enjoy themselves. It makes them good 
tempered. 

Mer. What's the use of their good tempers, if they are never 
home? That's the trouble with the sporting fever. It depopu- 



40 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

lates the fireside, and it's all the worse because it's apparently so 
innocent. The man who gambles or drinks, is open to reproach, 
but a man fond of yachting, or fishing, or shooting — it's so harm- 
less ! But it enables them to get away from us, and stay away 
all the same, I notice. 

Bar. [^Pretending to read, now looks over her book.^ This is 
very instructive. No fishing or shooting when I get married ! 

Lid. [To Mer."] You exaggerate. \_Laughs.'] 

Mer. Oh, there was a time, when I laughed too. We made 
our tour of Europe in the dog days, so that Laurens could be 
back in time for the woodcock. Now I don't laugh. I know 
that his dog and gun are dearer than his wife. 

Lid. Oh, oh! [Crosses to c] 

Bar. [Aside."] I think myself that's rather strong. 

Lid. My husband can never get to that point. 

Mer. [r.] I sincerely hope that you are not cherishing 
illusions. 

Bar. [Aloud-I And so do I. 

Lid. You shall see. I mean to ask him in your presence 
•whether he prefers sport to his home. 

Bar. How green you are ! [Jumping wjo.] Of course he'll 
say just what you wish, and go on and do exactly as he pleases. 

Lid. No, he will not. It's a question of honor with me 
now to justify him, and I'll do it. I'll ask him to remain at 
home to-morrow. He will remain. That will be proof suflicient, 
I imagine. 

Mer. It will be a great deal, certainly. 

Lid. [To Bar.] Don't you tell him what I want him to do. 
Don't say a word. [Crosses to R.] 

Bar. I won't. I'm here to learn, and the prospect looks very 
agreeable. [Sits on sofa, L.] 

Mer. Well, I'll assist you with an experiment on my husband. 
I'll ask him so stay home to-morrow. I wish I may get it. 

Lid. If we unite our forces, success is certain. 

Mrs. Partradge enters, r. 1 e. 

Mrs. Partradge. Where's Barbie? 

Lid. You're just in time, aunt. We need you for a con- 
spiracy. [ Crosses to her.] 

Mrs. P. [ Crosses to R. c] A conspiracy ? 

Lid. Against our husbands. 

Mrs. P. [Crosses to L. c] I'm with you. Anything against 
the men. 

Lid. They are to be forced to give up their day's shooting, 
and stay with us. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 41 

Mrs. P. Well, and what am I to do ? 

Lid. [ Crosses to R. c] We are to make the first assault, and, 
in case of repulse, you are to come up. 

Bar. You are to act as heavy artillery, auntie. 

Mrs. P. And what are you to be. Miss? 

Bar. I'm to take up my position as a corps of observation — 
look on and learn ever so much. 

Mrs. P. That'll be a very good thing for you — if you can do it. 

Mer. Hsh ! Here they come. 

Flutterby enters from staircase, infancy hunting suit. 
Laurens and Spencer, c. 

Spencer. Anybody seen Rigby? He'll be late. 

Flutterby. [^Looking at Mer.~\ He'll be along presently. De- 
tained, no doubt, making pretty speeches to his hostess. He 
appears to be much smitten with the wild strawberry. 

Bar. {^Aside, angrily on sofa, L.] Now what a gratuitous 
piece of idiocy that is ! Now I hate that man ! 

Flat. [ Tenderly to Mer.l You look as if something disturbed 
you. Not ill, I hope ? 

Mer. \_Loud and breaking from Flut.'] You are ready to 
start, I see. 

Flut. Yes. Precious bore! One has hardly time to say a 
word, before these Nirarods hurry him off. [Mer. goes to Lau., 
Flut. to Mrs. P., Sp. and Lid. come doivn.'] 

Lid. I have a great favor to ask of you, Paul. 

Sp. [_Tenderly.^ What is it, darling ? 

Lid. Give up shooting to-morrow, and stay with us. 

Sp. [^Both come down, c] Hey ! How you frightened me — 
I thought you were in earnest. You're joking ! 

Lid. No, I'm not. You can't tell how much I value this ! 
You will do as I ask — won't you ? 

Sp. l^Looks at Lau., to whom Mer. is eagerly talking.'] But 
what will Laurens say ? I invited him here expressly to — 

Lid. l_Boih get toward R.] We will amuse him. He will 
stay, if you do. [Lau. comes down, laughing, followed by Mer., 
who is very serious.] 

Sp. [To Lau.] Well, what do you say? 

Lau. [l., to Sp.] Stay at home in such weather ! It's non- 
sense ! Impossible ! [Mer. ptdls him back and talks to him.] 

Sp. [To Lid.] Did you hear that? 

Lid. If you remain, none of the others will go. Do grant 
me this favor. 

Sp. But why ? Only tell me why ? 



42 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Lid. The reason don't matter. I beg you — that ought to be 
enough ! 

Sp. I must say, all this appears very childish. [^Turns away 
up R., she follows /im.] 

Lid. But Paul — 

Bar. [On her sofa.^ It's getting serious. [Mrs. P. comes 
dovm and sits by Bar. Mer. co7nes down, r., with Lau.] 

3Ier. I ask it, as a proof of your affection for me, 

Lau. I can show ray affection in a more sensible manner. It 
would be folly, to yield to a mere caprice. I say, Spencer, you 
wouldn't allow yourself to be coaxed, would you ? 

Sp. l_After a glance at Lid.'\ Certainly not. We start at 
once! 

Lau. That's sensible. 

Lid, [Sinks on chair.'] I'm an unhappy woman ! 

Mer. [Goes to Lid.] 1 pity you from my heart. 

Bar. 'Aside to Mrs. P.] Now, auntie, your turn. Bring up 
your heavy artillery ! 

Mrs. P. [Rising majestically. ] Gentlemen ! [Lau. and Sp. 
turn respectfully.'] If you knew the awful dream I had last night, 
you would stay at home, as your wives request. [Sp. and Lau. 
look at each other and wink.] I dreamt that I saw you [To 
Lau.] lying on the ground, dangerously wounded. 

Mer. Oh ! [Shrieks and covers her face.] 

Lau. Saw me ? 

Mrs. P. Yes — stretched upon the earth and covered with 
blood ! 

LatL Capital ! [Runs to her and shakes her hand heartily.] 
It's immensely lucky. We shall have a splendid day. You 
couldn't have had a better dream ! [Bar. gives her a look of tri- 
umph and exultation, and shakes both her hands mockingly. Mrs. 
P. sinks on sofa.] 

Bar. Artillery utterly defeated. 

Sp. Lida, be sensible. Dreams are all stuff. 

Lid. Let me be ! [Sobbing.] 

Mer. [To Lau.] Pause! It is a question of life and death I 

Lau. Yes — for the birds. [Kisses her.] 

Mer. Go away ! [Sobs and wipes kisses off.] 

RiGBY enters from c, with gun and game-bag, cheerily ; leaves gun 
in vestibule. 

Rigby. [Up c] Well, are we ready for the start? 
Sp. and Lau. Yes, all ready. [They go up and get hags, 
gun, etc.] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 43 

Rig. [ Glass up, eyes Lid. and Mer.'\ What's the matter here, 
I wonder? 

Bar. \^Aside, rising!] The others tried their persuasions and 
failed. Now I'll see, what I can do. {^Crosses to c. Lau. takes 
his overcoat from the rack, and puts it on.] , 

Mrs. P. \^To Bar., stopping her,] Where are you going ? 

Bar. I'm going — 

Mrs. P. Where? 

Bar. To make an attack in another quarter. Good evening, 
Mr. De Rigby ! 

Rig. Ah, here's one bright face at last ! 

Bar. Mr. De Rigby, you are a devoted sportsman, are you 
not? 

Rig. Certainly. 

Bar. You are infatuated — wrapped up heart and soul in it ? 

Rig. Heart and soul and the rest of the structure. 

Bar. Now, suppose I were to ask you to stay at home to- 
morrow — would you do it ? 

Rig. [^Adjusts glasses and looks at her.] I don't quite catch. 

Bar. I suppose you are thinking over the politest form of 
refusal. 

Mrs. P. [ Going to Bar.] Barbie ! [ Crosses to Rig.] Go 
shooting, Mr. De Rigby, the others are waiting for you. 

Bar. You can go if you like, of course. l_Stage l.] 

Rig. Miss Barbie, to borrow the expression of a famous states- 
man : "Here I am — here I stay." \_Takes off game-bag.] Allow 
me to disarm. [^Goes up and puts aivay bag, etc. Bar. looks 
triumphantly at Mrs. P., and tries to take her hands.] 

Mrs. P. [ Very angry.] Barbie, this is scandalous ! How 
dare you act in this manner ? 

Bar. [^Back to sofa.] It's only a joke. 

3frs. P. A pretty joke ! What will he think ? 

Bar. Probably, that I want him to play croquet with me. 
Look how the other two hang their heads ! 

Sp. [ To Rig.] Are you really not going ? 

Rig. No. I remain with the ladies. 

Flid. [_Eyes Rig. and Mer. jealously.] With your permission, 
I will remain too. \_To Sp.] 

Sp. Just as you please. 

Lau. Let the slaves stay. We, at least, are free. 

Nap enters, c. 

Nap. Wagon's ready, sir ! 

Sp. I say, Laurens, let's give it up. 



44 OUE, ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Lau. Nonsense ! 

Sp. \_To iVop.] Nap, if Mr. Groobie comes, you bring him 
along after us. En avant! Good night, ladies, till to-morrow. 
[Sp. a7id Lau. hirn back to kiss their wives, who are sulking, then 
they exeunt. Nap. after them.'] 

Rig. [To Flut., coming down.] Do you know what's the 
matter ? [ The ladies are all up stage.] 

Fhd. There was a scene between Laurens and his wife. 

Rig. Ah ! I see. 

Flut. A sort of panic in the market. 

Rig. [^Aside.] There he goes with the white porpoises again. 
Deuce take the fellow ! \_Crosses to l.] 

Flut. Prices down. Now is the time to try one's luck. I'll 
console her for his absence. You entertain the others. Get 
them out of the way. [ Goes up to Mer.] 

Rig. [Aside.] Get them out of the way? Confound his im- 
pudence. I'll see that you don't have things all your way. 

Bar. [Rises, goes to window.] There's a lovely moon. 
Wouldn't it be awfully jolly to walk down the road, and see them 
start. [ Turns up stage, speaks joyfully to her aunt as she passes.] 
"We're going down the road to see them start. 

Rig. I'm at your orders. Miss Barbie. 

Flat. [To Mer.] Won't you go? 

Mer. No, thank you. 

Rig. [ Getting shawl, etc.] Are you coming, Flutterby ? 

Flut. No, I think I shall stay here. 

Bar. Oh, yes, do come, Mr. Flutterby. 

Rig. [Brings shawl, etc., down, and loads Flut!] Miss Barbie 
insists on your looking at the moon. 

Flut. [Aside.] Confound it ! [Aloud.] Oh, if Miss Barbie 
insists — 

Bar. Certainly. Come along, Mr. De Rigby. [Exits, c] 
[Rig. exits after, dragging Flut.] 

Mrs. P. Arn't either of you going? 

Lid. [Down R. c] No. 

Mrs. P. Somebody must go with that girl. Dear, dear, and 
I've got my thin shoes on. 

Lid. I can't help it. I've got a headache. I can't go out. 
[Crosses to sofa.] 

Mer. [r.] Please excuse me. 

Mrs. P. She must not be left to herself If I can find a pair 
of rubbers — that grass is like a pond, I know. [ Gets a pair at 
back.] What on earth girls can see in the moon, I don't know 
— unless it be the man in it. [Exits, c] 

Mer. [Coming to Lid.] I'm so sorry I got you into this 
scrape. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 45 

Ldd. I am thoroughly unhappy, for the first time. 

Mer. As the older married woman, I ought not to have per- 
mitted the experiment. 

lAd. It is better as it is. I know now, what I have to depend 
upon. [Rises, crosses to r.] 

Mer. Don't take it too much to heart. Put yourself in his 
place. Suppose you were dressed for a ball, and, just as you were 
stepping into the carriage, he asked you, without giving any rea- 
son, to stay at home. Would you have complied ? No ! 

ldd. That would be a foolish request — without giving a suf- 
ficient reason. And yet if he had begged me, as I have begged 
him — 

Mer. [Interrupting. 1 You would have shed a few tears — and 
gone after all. 

Lid. He went without any tears. [ Crosses to l.] 

Mer. And at this moment he feels miserable. 

ldd. Do you think so ? That would be some consolation, 

Mer. It's nothing to what they deserve. They must be pun- 
ished. 

Lid. Punished ? 

Mer. 1 won't rest until I make my gentleman feel as mortified 
as I do. [Crosses to l.] 

Uncle Joyce enters, l. u. e. 

Uncle, [c] Well, my dears — your truants have run off, eh ? 
There — there — don't look so blue. 

Lid. [r.] Uncle, what is the surest way to make a man un- 
comfortable ? 

Unc. AVhat? 

ldd. Not a little uncomfortable — but almost quite thoroughly 
wretched. 

TJnc. Take away his sofa. 

Lid. I'm serious. 

Unc. So am I. 

Lid. Now you must be good. Tell us how to get even with 
these lords of creation, who desert us in such a cavalier fashion. 

Unc. They leave you moping at home. Treat them in just 
the opposite way. Celebrate their return with a ball — a house 
full of company. 

Lid. [To Mer., joyous. ~\ The very thing. 

Mer. [To. Lid. '\ An inspiration ! If there is one thing these 
outdoor fellows abominate more than another, it's dancing. 

Lid. Just the way with my despot. I have to send regrets to 
half the receptions. Now I'll give a ball myself. 



46 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Unc. Good ! I'll just pack up a few things, and slip away to- 
night, till it's over. 

Lid. and Mer. [Both seize him.'] Uncle ! Uncle ! \_As they 
turn him around.] 

lAd. No. We want you. You must give me the names of 
everybody in the neighborhood we ought to invite, and you must 
get us the music, and all the young men you can. \_He is going.] 

Mer. \_Pulls him back.] Lida ! Another inspiration ! 

Lid. What is it ? [^Holding Uncle.] 

Mer. Mr. De Rigby — 

Lid. What about him ? 

Mer. [l.] I'll confide to my husband, as a fatal secret, that 
Mr. De Rigby is paying you the most marked attention. 

Lid. Yes — \_Laugh3.] 

Mer. At the same time, you give your husband the same in- 
formation, in the strictest confidence, about Mr. De Rigby and 
me. 

Lid. What will they do? 

Mer. They'll give up shooting for the whole season — stay at 
home, to watch us and protect each other. We will flirt madly 
with the object of suspicion, while our lords and masters undergo 
grinding torments. 

Unc. [Sinks in chair, crosses to R.] But will De Rigby act 
this part ? 

Mer. [ Crosses to him.] Act ? No need to ask him ! It's his 
nature. He can't help himself — we begin to-morrow. 

Lid. '[ Going up towards R. u. E.] To-morrow ! 

Unc. Go on, children, go on ! This beats the sofa trick. 



Quick Curtain. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 47 



ACT III. 

Same as last : Evening again. John discovered lighting the can- 
delabras about. Susan arranging the floxver-stands in the 
windoiv. Mima enters from L. u. E., and Nap, udth a tray 
of bon-bons, R. u. e. 

Mima. Everything looks lovely, John ; you can light up the 
parlors, it's most time for the company to come. Susan, you go 
and look your best, in case you're needed. [John and Susan 
exeunt, r. u. e.] 

Nap. [l.] Whar'll I put these. Miss Mima? 

Mim. There, on the sideboard. Nap — they won't be wanted 
until the dancing begins. 

Nap. Mus' I hand 'em round, then ? 

3Iim. No, not till I tell you. When the aesthetic cotillion be- 
gins, then you're to let each lady and gentleman select one. 

Nap. Den dey pull and pop 'em, eh ? 

Mim. Yes, there ; go along. I'll tell you, when to pass them 
round. [Nap exits, r. u. e.] 

RiGBY entering, C. 

Rigby. Ah, the wild strawberry is first in the field ! The 
ladies have not come forth yet ? 

3fim. [r.] No, they're still dressing for the ball. 

Rig. [l.] Then I may as well be patient for a couple of 
hours. Ah ! \_Sighs.'] 

Mim. Why, Mr. de Rigby — what a sigh ! 

Rig. Did I sigh ? 

Mim. I never heard such a gasp. 

Rig. Yes. I am afraid something very serious is going on 
here. [^Haxid on hearty 

Mim. Heavens! Oh, I see, you're in love. 

Rig. I thing it's something like that. AVhat do you say to 
Miss Barbie ? 

Mim. [ Clapjring her hands.^ Miss Barbie ! That's splendid ! 

Rig. I'm not so sure about that. I havn't asked her yet. 
She may be gasping for some one else, and not wasting a thought 
on me. 

Mim. Nonsense ! A gentleman like you ! 

Rig. You flatter me. \_Smoothes his hair.^ 



48 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Mim. All you have to do is to propose. You can't be afraid 
to ask her. If you are, why — write. 

Big. Yes, I know. I once knew of a fellow who proposed by 
telegraph — and another fellow got the lady. 

Mim. Shall I try to sound her for you ? 

Big. Not for the world, until I've had a chance to make a 
favorable impression. One may occur to-night, if not, some other 
time. And yet, suspense is dreadful. 

Mim. It is the sweetest thing about love, and the best sign 
that it's true. Don't you know the words of the song ? [^Sitigs a 
song without music. 

Supposing a man all wrinkled and old, 

Should come to me jingling his silver and gold, 

Ami offer a share of his Mammon to me 
If I to the sale of myself would agree — 
I wouldn't. Would you? 

Suppose that a hero, all bristling with fame, 
And big with the weight of a wonderful name, 

Shotild offer, in a moment of grand condescension, 
To give me his hand a little attention — 
I wouldn't. Would you? 

Supposing a youth, with his heart in his eyes, 
That shine like the light of the beautiful skies, 

Would promise to love me through all his glad life, 
And beg that I be his own dear little wife — 
Guess I would! Wouldn't you? 

Towards the last line, Rig. places his arm about her waist for an 
instant and kisses her. 

Mrs. Partadge enters, r. 1 e., sees the situation, and holds up 

her hands. 

Mrs. Partradge. "Well, upon my word, Mr. Due de Monte- 
bello! 

Mim. Oh ! {_Buns off, r. u. e., Rig. starts to l., and examines 
bric-a-brac.l 

Big. [l.] I am extremely sorry that — 

Mrs. P. No apologies are needed. It was quite a romantic 
picture. 

Big. Yes, it was only a picture. Nothing real about it. 
Fancy sketch. Perfectly harmless. 

3Irs. P. Of course — one of your jokes. [Going, R. u. E.] 
They are all perfectly harmless — deceptions. lEzits-l 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 49 

Rig. Now, that was very unfortunate. But I never saw a 
person so predisposed to unfavorable views of everything I do. 
[Sits, L.] 

Barbie enters, r. 1 e., in hall dress and high spirits. 

Barbie. I wonder if the guests have come yet. Why, Mr. de 
Rigby, is that you? What a jolly evening we're going to have ! 

Big. [Gloomily, 'L.'\ Yes, I suppose so. 

Bar. You don't seem to be glad. 

Big. No wonder. I'm the victim of bad luck. My wbple 
life is a series of knock downs. 

Bar. Do you consider your visit here one of them ? 

Big. No, it's one of the few things that set me up again. 

Bar. Why, I never dreamt you could be so solemn. 

Big. That's my trouble exactly. People won't understand 
me. Good sort of fellow, De Rigby ! But no depth — no breadth 
— no height — superficial ! 

Bar. There must be somebody, who knows you better. 

Big. Nobody takes the trouble to even find out. 

Bar. Su23pose I have a higher opinion of you? 

Big. [Seizing her hand.^ If you had, my whole trouble would 
vanish like smoke. 

Bar. [Withdraivs her hand.^ Now you've overdone it! If 
you had simply taken my hand and said: "I thank you," it 
would have deepened my impression of your sincerity. But to 
gush that way — no one could believe it genuine. [Crosses to L.] 

Big. [Aside, dejected.'] It seems there is a false ring about 
me. She- won't believe. Now what is a chap to do ? 

Mima re-enters from r. u. e. 

Mima. Oh, Miss Barbie! Papa's got back, and he says the 
gentlemen will soon be home. He says they didn't have a bit 
of luck, and he never saw Mr. Spencer so down-hearted — and he 
heard him say to Mr. Laurens : " We'd have had a deuced better 
time at home, old chap;" and Mr. Laurens said: "That's so, 
old chap " — and they're both coming back. Won't they be sur- 
prised at all that's going on ! [ Crossing, then sly glance at Big. ; 
then aside to Bar.] Isn't he nice, and don't he love somebody? 
[Going tp Big.] Brace up ! [JS'xtVs, r. u. e.] 

Big. [Starts up, aside^ Gad, I will. 

Bar. You've made quite a friend of her. 

Big, I wanted to make a friend of you ! To return to our 
subject, you were saying — 



so. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Bar. No, you were saying. 

Rig. To be sure, I was saying that your opinion — your good 
opinion — in my opinion, was the only opinion. 

Bar. We had got past that. 

Rig. Oh, yes; and I was going on to say, that if I loved a 
girl, nobody could, would, or should love her more, or more truly 
than I could love her; emphatically, yours truly emphatically, or 
better or more truly than yours truly. 

Bar. [Slyly.'] And you also complained that no one would 
believe you ? 

Rig. We had got past that, Miss Barbie ! I assure you that 
I am much better than my reputation. Try me, you'll find 
[Taking her hand.'] you're the only person — beg pardon, I mean 
party — you're the only girl in the world that — 

Bar. [Withdraws her hand.] No — here's some one else. 
[Rig. makes a holt up the stairs, r. c] 

Meryl enters in ball dress, l. d. 

Meryl. [Crosses to c] Well, have you two had enough of 
croquet to-day ? 

Bar. We had quite enough of Auntie's croquet. It's awfully 
interesting to be watched and signaled at behind a gentleman's 
back! 

Flutters Y enters, r. c, eventing dress. 

Mer. You ought to pay every respect to her admonitions. 

Bar. Now you are prosing. I don't care, I believe every- 
body's going to have a pick at me. [Crosses to n,., flounces up c, 
pouting.] 

Mer. [Getting R.] You have lost Wirt's good opinion for- 
ever by staying at home to-day, instead of shooting. 

Flutterby. [r.] I'm indifferent, if I have yours. [They go 
aside, r.] 

Rig. [ Up stage, c] He's at it. I must pay attention. I 
wonder if stocks are up or doAvn ? 

Bar. [To Rig.] What shall we do until the people come? 
Shall we play something? 

Rig. [Absently, watching othersi] Ye — yes. 

Bar. Chess ? No — I don't like chess. Backgammon ? No, 
Gobang? Do you play gobang? 

Rig. [Same.] Yes — oh, yes — with pleasure. [Bar. brings 
little table forward, opens drawer and puts out counters, etc.] 

Bar. We can sit over here. [Rig. brings chairs; places one 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 51 

L. of table. Both about to sit on it, bump back to back, bow in apol- 
ogy; same business R. of table. She sits, L. ; he eyes her a momeni 
with his glass, then sits R. of table.^ This is a nice corner, isn't it? 

Hig. Capital place. [After a glance at Fhit. and Mer., he sit^, 
his back to R. Flut. and Mer. m deep conversation.^ 

Bar. Which color will you take ? I'll take red and you take 
blue. 

Big. No, don't give me the blues. 

Bar. You can see the red too plainly. You take the red and 
I'll take the blue. [Pushes a lot of counters over to him.'] Yoti 
begin. [ They play.] 

Flut. [To Mer^ You don't know how glad it makes me to 
see you cheerful again. 

Mer. We must not take our troubles too much to heart. 

Flut. It's the only way to be happy. Complete indifference 
to all, save those who truly love us. 

Mer. [Looking over to Rig. and Bar^ They seem to be happy, 
don't they ? [Flut. turns to look at Rig., as Rig. turns caidiously 
to look at Flut. ; both turn away quickly.] 

Bar. Your play. 

Rig. I beg pardon. [ They play.] 

Mer. How do you like the little Boston girl ? 

Fhd. I confess I never gave the matter a thought. 

Mer. Oh, fie ! Have you no eyes for beauty ? 

Flut. Not of the school girl sort. [Talks to her; she S7niles.] 

Rig. Well, I — [Looks slyly round at them.] 

Bar. You're not paying the least attention to the game. I 
could have beaten you half a dozen times. Ai-e you tired of it? 

Rig. [Turns to her suddenly.] How can you ask? Don't 
you think they are very confidential ? 

Bar. It's none of our business. 

Rig. No — of course not. 

Bar. Go-bang ! Ha ! ha ! I've won ! [Sorts out pieces on 
board.] 

Rig. Good gracious ! You don't tell me you've go-banged 
me? 

Bar. Shall we have another ? You begin again. [They play 
again. Rig. stealing furtive looks at Flut] 

Mer. If you are so hard to please, you'll never get a wife. 

FhU. I've no intention of marrying. 

Mer. You are too fond of your liberty. 

Flut. [Taking her hand.] There is a grave reason. 

Mer. How interesting. 

Rig. [Aside, looking across.] He seems to be taking advan- 
tage of the market. 



52 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Bar. Your play. I shall begin to think I'm not pleasant to 
look at, if you turn your head away so much. \_He doesn't heed, 
and she looks astonished.^ Well ! 

Flut. Will you listen, if I confide a secret to you ? 

3Ier. [ Withdraws her hand, rises.'] With pleasure. 

Flut. [Rises.] Let's go on the porch. 

3Ier. You have certainly succeeded in arousing my curiosity. 

Big. [Aside.] He shan't go out of mv sight with her. [Mer. 
and Flut. go toward c. ; Rig. suddenly jumps up and gets a shawl 
from hack of chair, R., then calls after Mer.] Ah, Mrs. Laurens ! 
you have forgotten your shawl ! 

Bar. What is the matter with him ? 

Mer. Thank you. [Pxds it on; Rig. adjusts it.] 

Rig. May I join you ? [Mer. exits without heeding^ 

Flut. [Severely.] What are you driving at? Go on with 
your game. 

Rig. And let you go on with your game ? Not if I know it. 

LiDA enters, r. u. e., in hall dress. 

Lida. Where's Meryl ? 

Rig. This way ! Just on the porch. [Offers his arm, leads 
her toe, bows her out and returns. To Flut.] Now you can go, 
too! 

Flut. Confound it ! [Exits in a rage, c] 

Rig. I think I've spoiled that little game. 

Bar. I'm pretty sure you've spoiled this one. 

Rig. [Comes down gallantly.] Now let's begin in earnest. 
[He sits at table.] 

Bar. Now — indeed ! [Rises and tosses board over his lap.] 

Rig. I declare, you've go-banged me again ! 

Bar. You may play with somebody else. I've had enovigh. 

Rig. But, Miss Barbie, please don't ! I admit, I did permit 
my attentions to wander for a moment, but — 

Bar. For a moment ! 

Rig. Well, say two moments, or three moments, but I beg a 
thousand pardons for it. 

Bar. If you think you can offend me, and make it up with 
sugar plums, as if I were a child, you are very much mistaken. 
You ought to have told me at first you didn't want to play and 
preferred Mrs. Laurens. 

Rig. I cannot tell a lie. 

Bar. Oh, George ! Don't try to deceive me. I saw it all, 
and, in the middle of the game, to jump up and run after her! 
It's a downright insult. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 53 

Rig. Excuse me, you don't understand. Allow me to explain. 
As we say in Latin, the locus — 

Bar. It can't be explained. Locus ! bah ! Hocus-pocus ! 
I can just tell you, it's all over between you and me. As Ave say 
in Latin, it's j?ras. [^Exits, K. 1 e.] 

Rig. [^Following.^ Don't say that. Miss Barbie ! [She dams 
the door.'] Please take that back ! My unlucky star ! [Turn,' 
ing away from the door.] I've lost her. She said it was all over 
between us. So it must have been getting all right between us, 
and now I've ruined all. [Music, cracking of whips, carriages, 
etc., off L.] 

Mima enters, k. u. e. 

Mima. They're all coming at once. Just like these country 
people. 

Rig. Are they coming in here ? 

3Iim. No, they're going to the other door. 

Rig. Then I can slip out this way, go home and go to bed. I 
feel as if I wanted to be alone in my misery. [Exits, c. Music 
louder.] 

Mim. What fun ! They've started the dancing already. 
[Shot heard outside^ Oh! [Starts^ What on earth's that? 
Why, there's Mr. Groobie all doubled up, between Mr. de Rigby 
and Mr. Blum! What can have happened? And there's his 
wife in the parlor, waiting for him. 

The door, c, opens and enter Groobie verymtich doubled up; Ms 
nose black and bloody, assisted by Rigby and Blum; he is 
in very fancy hunting costume, embroidered game-bag, etc. 
Blum carries his gun. 

Blum. I vos so sorry. I vish I chood myself, I do. 

Groobie. [c] I wouldn't mind it so much, if it wasn't right 
in the nose. 

Bl. [r.] Dot's easy fixed. You get a wax nose. 

Gr. Blow your wax noses. 

Bl. Let's get him to de kitchen and wash him off. 

Rig. Not a bad hurt, I hope. Let's play the hose on him. 

Gr. I don't know. It stings like the devil. 

Bl. He would get in de wrong way of dat cun. It was all 
right, till we was getting out de wagon. Somehow my cun went 
off, while he was at de wrong end. But he comes all right, I 
pick out de shot. We take him to the kitchen. 

Gr. My wife would insist on my going to shoot. She said I 
"was a sport. 



54 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Rig. You are the sport of fortune. \_As they are leading Gr. 
off, to Bl.'\ I say, old fellow, if you make business for the pro- 
fession this way, you'll get on in the world. \_Exeunt, r. u. e.] 

3Iim. O, dear, dear ! This is dreadful ! 

Blum re-enters. 

Blum. Mima ! Poor Mr. Groobie ! He got a bad dose. He 
got an agcident by chooding. 

Mim. [l.] Has he been shot in a vital spot ? 

£1. Yes, right in the end of his nose. 

Mim How did it happen ? 

Bl. Oh, de way dey all do. Dere was dangers all round — 
climbing in and out de wagons, and powder and balls flying 
5ound and loaded up to the muzzles, and he got right in front 
of de muzzle as it was going off, 

3fi}n. [^Crosses to R.] Oh, dear! Just as the ball is about 
to begin too. 

BL I guess Mr. Groobie get all the balls he want. 

Mim. But Mr. de Rigby will fix him all right. He was in 
the army once, and ought to know all about wounds. 

Bl. ISuspiciously.'l I say, Mima, I got a question. Is thi? 
Mr. de Rigby going to stay at your house all de time? 

Mim. I guess so. 

Bl. [l.] Dat man he haunt me like a ghost. 

3fim. Don't you like him? 

Bl. I don't like him so near you all de time. 

3Iim. For shame ! 

Bl. [ Crosses to r.] I can't help it. He's so infernal sweet 
talker. 

3fim. [ Urging him off.'\ Don't you talk nonsense. You go 
and get Mr. Groobie fixed up for the ball. If you don't, we'll be 
settled and done for ! As soon as Mrs. Groobie finds out what 
you've done — 

Bl. She gets me de sack, hey ? 

3Iim. Then we are separated forever. 

As they are going, they meet Rigby, r. u. e. 

3Ii7n. Is he all right, Mr. de Rigby? 
Righy. All right, with the exception of his looks. 
Mim. What does he want with looks? He's married. \_Exiis 
with Bl., r. u. e.] 

Rig. A purely business view. [^Sits on sofa, r.] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 55 

• ■ 

Lid A enters, c, with Meryl. 

Lida. l_Aside.^ There he is. 

Meryl. You begin the play. 

Lid. It's time. Our lords are on their way back. 

3fer. [^Crosses to rJ The comedy must be well under way 
before they appear. (Finger to her lips. Exits, R. u. e.] 

Lid. \_Comes forward.'] Why, Mr. de Rigby! Moping here 
by yourself? Come, I want you to pay me particular attention 
a,ll the evening. You must not stir from my side, except to wait 
on Mrs. Laurens. Come now — can we, as two deserted females, 
claim this knightly service from you? 

Rig. [ Gloomily, rises.] I am yours unreservedly. 

Lid. How dismal! What's on your mind? 

Big. A great many things. But chiefly your esteemed aunt. 
Whenever I try to be agreeable to your sister, she darts in and 
cuts me off — to us a mythological simile, like Atropos snipping 
the thread of life. [ Crosses to L.] 

Lid. Let me suggest a little policy. Flatter the aunt. 

JRig. I tried to. But she has, to borrow a chemical illustra- 
tion, so much acid in her looks that it decomposes my resolution. 
Yet there's nothing I wouldn't do to gain her good will for the 
sake of a certain person. 

Lid. Why, how sentimental. 

Mig. Yes, that's it. I assure you in the most solemn confi- 
dence — that I love your sister. 

Lid. [ Coldly.'] Then why don't you propose ? 

Rig. 'Promptly. ] She won't have me. 

Lid. How do you know ? 

Rig. She thinks I'm in love Avith some one else. 

Ud. Whom ? 

Rig. [l.] It's ridiculous, but don't breath it to a soul, pray. 
It's your friend, Mrs. Laurens. 

Lid. ]\Ieryl! \^Aside.] Good! \_Crosses to i^., aloud.] Don't 
try to undeceive her. 

Rig. What ? 

Lid. Let her think so, for a time. Pay Mrs. Laurens as 
much attention as you pay me, and be devoted to both of us. I'll 
answer for the consequences. 

Rig. [ Crosses to L.] I beg you to remember, how serious the 
consequences may be to me. 

Lid. You wish to marry. Barbie ? 

Rig. Can you doubt it? 

Lid. If you are serious you shall. I promise that. 



56 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Blum runs in, stops on seeing the group. 

Rig. I solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm, that 
I love her with my heart, my whole heart and nothing but my 
hearty \_Taking Lid.'s hand-l 

Lid. {^Gives hand.^ I believe you. 

Rig. You are an angel. [^Kissing her hand. Bl. holds up 
both his hands in horror.'] 

Blum. [ Going.'] Anoder one ! [^Exits, r. u. e.] 

Lid. What was that ? 

Rig., going up, sees Mrs. Partradge, as she enters, r. u. e. 

Rig. The aunt ! {^Retreats^ 

Mrs. Partradge. \_Tuming dovm^ Lida! Oh, there you are. 

Lid. Where's Barbie ? 

Mrs. P. \^With a savage glance at Rig.] Barbie is in her 
room. She is so much indisposed, that she will not come out this 
evening. 

Lid. Why, this is very sudden. 

Mrs. P. [ With another glance at Rig.] Very. 

Jjid. What's the matter with her ? 

Mrs. P. , \_Third glance, very dreadful, at Rig.] She had re- 
ceived a shock, which it will take her some time to recover from. 
[Crosses to l.] 

Lid. \^Alarmed.] A shock! [At a telegraphic sign from ^ig. 
she bursts into laughter.] I see. 

Rig. If you wall allow me to retire, ladies — 

Lid. Give me your arm, Mr. de Rigby. We will go to the 
company. 

Rig. \_Aside, as they go up.] Is she not, to use a botanical 
comparison, a perfect Upas ! ^Exeunt, r, u. e.] 

Mrs. P. The child has found him out at last, thank goodness ! 

Mrs. Groobie enters, r. u. e. ^xp follows, places furniture close 
to the sides, and exits. 
f 

Mrs. Groobie. My dear Mrs. Partradge, I've had such a start. 
My poor husband has been almost killed. 

Mrs. P. Almost killed ? 

Mrs. G. Hit in the very nose. I don't know how he'll ever 
be able to dance. 

Mrs. P. Well, he don't dance on his nose. 

Mrs. G. And by the last person I'd expect to perpetrate such 
an outrage. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 57 

3frs. P. [Eagerly.'] By Mr. de Rigby ? 
Mrs. G. De Rigby? No ! That little villain, Blum. 
3Irs. P. It's a wonder it wasn't the other, [Crosses to R.] 
He does all the mischief he can. I hate that man. 
3frs. G. Hate him ? Why ? 

Blum again enters, r. u. e., and pauses on seeing the ladies. 

Mrs. P. He's deception itself. 

3Irs. G. I thought Mr. de Rigby was a most amiable and 
harmless person. 

Mrs. P. The very worst that ever lived. He holds nothing 
sacred. First, he begins by courting my Barbie. 

Mrs. G. No harm in that. 

Mrs. P. Now Barbie tells me, in an agony of tears, that he has 
been flirting most outrageously with Mrs. Laurens. 

Mrs. G. Gracious ! We shall not be safe from him. 

Blum. [Aside.] I see him myself make some loves with Mrs. 
Spencer. 

Mrs. P. [Confidentially.'] But that is not all. It was only 
this very night, in this veiy room, I found him hugging Mima as 
tight as he could. [Crosses to L.] 

Bl. Oh ! [ With a cry and a reel, he staggers across to sofa, r.] 

Mrs. G. What are you doing there, sir? Listening? 

Bl. [Choking.] He was hugging my M-Mima. Oh! Ugh! 
[Clutches at his necktie.] 1 am choke. [Bursts into tears.] Oh, 
Mima, how could you do so ! [Suddenly fierce, crosses to c] I 
will have satisfactions ! I will have blood ! [Rushes out, c] 

Mrs. P. [l.] What is the matter with the man ? 

Mrs. G. He's in love with Mima, and has probably overheard 
us. 

Mrs. P. He seems dreadfully excited. [ Goes up and looks off.] 

Mrs. G. You heard what he said. Suppose he should attack 
Mr. de Rigby, and should kill him. 

Mrs. P. [Leading her toivards r. u. e.] Whatever happens, 
it will be for the best. Here comes the wretch ! Let us leave 
him to the fate he deserves. [E.veunt, r. u. e.] 

Passing Rigby, who enters, r. u. e., with severe glances. He puts 
his glass to his eye looking after them. 

Righy. There goes the poisonous Upas and a congenial ever- 
green ! I — I wonder why she has taken such a deadly dislike to 
me. 



58 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Enters Mima, e. u. e., sees Rig. and suddenly bursts into tears. 

Mima. Oh, Mr. de Rigby ! Oh, heavens ! 

Rig. [_Glass to his eye.'] Oh, it's you. Excuse me. I'm busy. 

Mim. [c. R.] Oh, please don't go. I'm so wretched. Oh, 
heavens ! 

Rig. Nonsense. 

Mim. Nonsense? Oh, heavens! 

Rig. You keep on saying oh heavens in a most absurd man- 
ner. 

3Iim. Oh, my Theobald ! Oh, heavens ! 

Rig. There you go again. Theobald ? Is that your young 
druggist ? 

Mi7n. He has gone to kill himself. Oh, heavens ! 

Rig. Don't be afraid. They never take their own physic. 

Mim. Oh, if he should swallow a dose of poison ! 

Rig. It would probably disagree with him. 

Mim. Oh, heavens ! He says I'm false to him. You know, 
Mr. de Rigby, whether I'm false to him or not. 

Rig. Allow me, my dear, you are the only competent author- 
ity on that question. 

Mim. But he suspects you ! [Music off.] 

Rig. That's fortunate. Suspicions can be cleared up. Dry 
your eyes, and go and join the merry throng of dancers. Be happy ! 
Your Theobald shall not take poison. He shall marry you, or 
I'm a Dutchman and he is not. 

AEm. [^Brightening.] But he's gone off. 

Rig. Very good. We'll go after him and find him — and if 
we can't find him, he shall find us. 

Mim. Oh, heavens ! [Exeunt, R. u. E.] 

The Music, as if prelude to Lancers, strikes up very far off. As it 
decreases. Barbie peeps in from r. 1 e., and, finding the 
apartment empty, enters in short dress. 

Barbie. [Dolefully.] I won't speak to that man again ! [/Si/s.] 
I won't even look at him. No wonder he don't show himself, 
[Rises.] They're dancing in there. How nice the music sounds! 
I'd give anything to be dancing, too. But I won't. I want to 
punish myself for ever having been so weak as to listen to that 
man for a moment. I'm so hungry ! [Looks roimd.] I think, 
Aunty might have sent me something to eat — some cakes. [Goes 
to sideboard, l.] What is this ? Eclairs? How delicious they look ! 
[Takes a bite out of one.] Oh, nice! [As she eats she looks over 
the other things.] Urn ! What are these ? Oh, the costume favors 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 59 

for the cotillion. \_Takes tip 07ie.^ I forgot all about them. I 
meant to pick out such a lovely one for myself. l_Puts them aside 
and takes up another eclair.'\ That music is lovely. [Dances to 
it-l My favorite lesson at boarding school was the dancing one. 
I know I always got good marks for that ! [Eating and stealing 
up to look off, R. u. E.] What are they dancing now ? The lancers 
— oh, they do it all wrong. [With childlike liveliness.^ For- 
ward! Now again! Oh, oh, oh! It's awful; they don't know 
anything about it. I'd be ashamed to dance like that. " For- 
ward, ladies " — " chassee and turn." Oh, one of them nearly fell 
over. This is the way to do it. "Forward all — again — salute — 
turn — partners — polka all round. Forward all! Oh! oh! Lida 
is the worst of the lot. Go on, Lida, go on. Oh, dear, somebody 
is coming ! [Runs off, r. 1 e., and peeps otitJ\ 

Nap enters, r. U. e., takes the tray of hon-hons from the sideboard 
and exits, r. u. e., 

Bar. [Comes forward.'] They're going to pull them now. 
They've come to that figure. [Picks up her bon-bon and j)eeps 
into room.] Oh, dear, they ain't doing that right either — you 
forward two, and back — turn partners and salute — then a waltz 

She dances all this, as Rigby appears, r. u. e. 

— then forward all. [She extends her arm, with a hon-bon in her 
hand.] Then stop ! then present arms ! then pull ! [She extends 
her R. hand with a bon-bon. Rigby comes forward and, at the last 
word, speaks.] 

Rigby. [r.] With pleasure ! [Seizing the other end of bon- 
bon^ 

Bar. Let go ! 

Rig. Never ! [She pulls and snaps the cracker.] Why you go- 
banged me again. May I hope for the honor of your hand for 
the cotillion? 

Bar. After what you have done to me ? No, sir ! 

Rig. [Seizes both her wrists and pulls her hands away every time 
she tries to bite the eclairs.] But listen one moment. I've spoiled 
your whole evening. I've sent you to your room, cut off your 
dance and your supper, and made you completely miserable. \ 
don't know how I did it, but it seems I have done it. INIy success 
is so astonishing, that I think I'll go home to-morrow. Now do 
let up on me once. Give me one chance, before I go, and one 
dance. 

Bar. Let me go ! [Breaks away and crosses r.] 



60 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Rig. [ Turning away.'] She must positively hate me. I know 
she does. I — I feel her hate trickling down my back just like — 
like— 

Bar. \_Aside, at door.'] Can't he see that I'm dying to forgive 
him? {^Bangs the door open.] The goose! {^Exits, R. 1 E.] 

Rig. Gone ! Not merely going, but positively gone ! 

Spencer, Laurens and Jackson enter, c, in shooting dress. 
Uncle Joyce staggers on, r. u. e., almost exhausted; sinks on 
sofa, R., fanning himself furiously with handkerchief. 

Spencer. Why, what's going on here? 

Uncle. [/?i costume.] They'll dance me to death. 

Sp. Dancing ? Digby, that's your doing. 

Rig. Not at all. 

Laurens. Well, they're going it. 

Sp. Will somebody be good enough to explain? 

Mima enters, r. u. b., fussily. 

Mima. No time now — come, Uncle! \_Taking his arm, all 
going, r. u. e., except Rig. Lines spoken rapidly but neat] 
Rig. I'm innocent, my dear boy, I'm innocent. 
Mim. Come, gentlemen, come take partners. [Hurries off."] 
Sp. What is the meaning of it all ? 
Lau. We've got into the wrong house. It's a lunatic asylum. 

Rig. is about to follow, when Blum, white and disordered, bursts 

in, c. 

Blum, [l.] Ha ! You was dere, eh ? 

Rig. Was I? I believe I was. 

Bl. Scorpion ! 

Rig. My good fellow, go away. This is very unkind, after all 
I've done to help you. Go away, and give me a chance to help 
myself. \_Crosses to c] 

Bl. Helps yourself. Is here anything you don't help your- 
self to? 

Rig. Theobald, I am astonished! 

Bl. You are de rich man. You have many flocks. You 
have taken my von leedle lamb. 

Rig. I really havn't time. Good evening! \_Going^ 

Bl. Stop, Mr. Coward. [Rig. turns and wipes eye-glass 
calmly.] We are not through. \_Takes two small packages from 
his pocket] Here are two papers. Dere is a powder in each one. 
Von is Seidlitz powder and de oder is arsenic. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 61 

Rig. [l.] Be very careful not to mix them, 

Bl. Von is for you — de oder is for me. 

Rig. \_Puiting his glass to his eye.~\ In that case, I take the 
Seidlitz. 

Bl. No one can tell vich of dem is the oder. Choose ! 

Rig. Thanks. [ Takes one and puts it into his vest-pocket^ 

Bl. When de clock strikes ten to-morrow, von of us vill 
die — when the clock strikes ten, you take your powder und I take 
mine. 

Rig. Theobald, you're off your burner — your mind's un- 
hinged. 

Bl. Remember, to-morrow, when de clock he strikes ten ! 
\_Exits, c.l 

Rig. [^Calling after him.'] Call me, if I oversleep myself! 
Very well done ! None but the brave deserve the fair ! [ Going, 
R. u. E.] 

Mrs. Partradge enters in costume, r. u. e. 

Rig. Can I believe my eyes ? 

Mrs. Partradge. I hope so ! Nobody could believe your tongue. 

Rig. You are going to join the cotillion? 

Mrs. P. No, sir ! I'm going to my niece's room, and afford 
the poor child some little share of the amusement she has lost 
through you. Why, Barbie ! 

Barbie enters in costume, r. 1 e. 

Barbie. Well, aunty, you see I resolved to make a sacrifice of 
my feelings, for Lida's sake. [ Crosses to c] 

Rig. l^Aside in rapture.'] All is not lost. \_Advances to her.] 
What sacrifice shall I make, in return for all your goodness? 

Bar. '[Aside to him, siniling.] Lead aunty in, the cotillion 
is going to begin. [Exeunt, r. u. e.] 

All enter to minuet time and step. Ladies on r. of partners. 



Mrs. P.— Uncle. 


1. Minuet. 


Mrs. G. — Groobie. 


■ 2. Gavote. 


Lady — Gentleman . 


3. Country dance. 


Lady — Gentleman. 


4. Tyrolian. 


Mima — Flutterby. 


5. Country dance. 


Lida — Laurens. 


6. Tyrolian. 


Meryl — Rigby. 


7. Gavote. 


Barbie — Spencer. 


8. Minuet March. 




Curtain. 



62- OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 



ACT IV. 

Same as Inst: Time, Morning. — The fire is lighted. There is a 
screen near it, with a chair on either side of it. 

Spencer and Lida vp centre. Uncle Joyce near fire-place, 
reading, with his lap full of magazines and papers. Mrs. 
Partradge seated near, knitting. Barbie vp stage.. 
Meryl and Laurens in library. 

Spencer. [ Coming down with LiDA.] Of course we all know 
Digby's way. Things seem more than they really are with him. 
This may be simply a case of appearances. 

Lida. But you say yourself he never left her for a whole day. 
Why did he not go off with you and her husband ? 

Sp. Barbie asked him to stay. 

Lid. And he never paid her the slightest attention while you 
were gone ! He ran after Meryl all the time. 

Sp. You really think there's something — 

Lid. I do. 

Sp. And danger, too ? 

Lid. Remember how susceptible a woman is, when neglected 
by her husband — how grateful for the least attention. 

Sp. It would be a horrible affair. 

Barbie. [^Comiiig down, c.'\ What are you two plotting? 

Lid. Barbie, I'm very much engaged just now. 

Sp. On a matter of importance. 

Lid. Will you water my flowers — there's a dear ? 

Bar. Will I walk off" about my business — there's a dear! 
Yes, I will, you turtle doves ! Before I'd be so silly — after being 
married a whole year ! [ Crosses to l., goes wp.] 

Flutterby enters, l. 

Flutterhy. Ah, Miss Barbie— I can't see Mrs. Laurens any- 
where. [Looks down at others^ 

Bar. [Taking his arm.'] No, you must put up with me just 
now. [Gets watering-pot up l. C, and goes off with him.'] 

Sp. [To Lid.] What will come of it ? Laurens gets in a pas- 
sion so easily. 

Lid. It's his own fault. His wife is not in the least to blame. 
[Crosses to L., indignantly.] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 63 

Sp. Nice principles ! [ Going L.] 

Lid. \_Aside.'\ Wait till your turn comes. [ Goes to Mrs. P.] 

Laurens and Meryl come doitni from library, pause a moment 
and look at Sp. 

Meryl. Don't breathe a word to her husband. [ With affected 
earnestness.'] Promise me, not to tell him. 

Laurens. [Still eyeing Sp.] I shall act as circumstances re- 
quire. You must leave it to me. \_Comes down, L.] 

Sp. [Perceives Lau., gives a gesture of pity, aside, and then 
goes to him.] Good morning, Laurens. [Tone of sympathy.] 

Imu. [Same.] Good morning, my dear friend ! [Shakes his 
hand twice, very warmly.] 

Mer. [Aside to Lid., up stage.] My husband swallowed the 
bait. 

Lid. So did mine. I wonder how they will act. 

Mer. Look at them now ! Each fancies the other the victim 
of perfidy and deceit. 

Mrs. Partradge. [Rising to go to Sp., knocks over all line's 
papers.] My dear Paul, when you have a few minutes to spare, 
I would like to have a little conversation with you. [Unc. has 
gathered his papers up again.] 

Sp. In a moment. 

Mrs. P. There's no hurry. [Resumes her seat, and knocks 
over Unc.'s papers again.] Oh, pray excuse rae ! Did I really 
do that ? 

Uncle. Umph ! [Aside.] How can a man read with all this 
bobbing up and down ? 

Lau. Oh ! ah ! Spencer ! By the way, how long does your 
friend Rigby stay ? [ Observes him closely.] 

Sp. [Observing hiyn furtively.] Eh? About a week. 

Lau. That's a long time. 

Sp. [Aside.] Does he suspect ? 

Lau. I would not be inconsolable, if I found he had to leave 
to-day. 

Sp. Have you — any — special reason for saying so ? 

Lau. None that I can explain. Don't ask me. [Shakes his 
hand doubly again, then draws back.] You know me — I let fly at 
a thing, if I see it. Take aim! Fire! Pst! Bang! [Again 
shakes his hand.] A word to the wise — you understand. [Con- 
fidentially, in his ear, as he crosses R.] He had better go ! 
[^si'c/e.] Poor devil! [Crosses to J..] 

Sp. [Aside.] He does suspect ! Poor devil ! [ Crosses to r.] 

Lau. [Aside.] I've done my duty. [They catch each other 
looking furtively and turn away.] Poor devil ! 



64 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. Poor devil ! [^As he turns he falls over Unc.'] Excuse 
me, uncle. You wished to speak with me, aunt. {^Takes line's 
seat when vacated. Lau. joins Mer.] 

Unc. Ahem! [^Gathers up everything, crosses to sofa, L., sits 
on the two cushions that are at the end, and falls over.^ 

Mrs. P. A word in confidence. Unless you take a very de- 
cided step, you will see something terrible happen in your house. 

Sp. Bless me — what ? 

Mrs. P. I can't watch everybody — don't ask me any questions, 
but get rid of Mr. De Rigby as soon as you can. 

Sp. You have noticed something wrong, then ? 

Mrs. P. I am not blind — if every one else is. 

Sp. \_Looks round at Lau., they detect each other and turn away. 
Mer. and Lid. exchange merry glances, and shake fingers in di- 
rection of their husbands.^ I can't turn the man out of the house. 

Mrs. P. If the thing has been generally noticed, he may as 
well be sent away. He'll have no fun staying here. I wonder 
what Barbie thinks of him, by this time. Young girls are un- 
failing clairvoyants. If he has been attentive to any one else, 
she's seen it first — Barbie! I want to talk to you. [^Takes her 
over L., to sofa, where Unc. has placed himself^ Excuse me, 
uncle. 

Unc. [^Rises, gathers up his papers and crosses to R.] I'm 
hunted like a hare. ISits and reads, R.] 

Sp. Barbie, you're a sensible girl. 

Bar. So you've found me out at last. No one can hide any- 
thing from you. 

Sp. Never mind all that. Come, I want you to tell me 
frankly what you think of Mr. De Rigby. 

Bar. I think as you do. He is utterly unreliable. 

Sp. Humph ! Whom is he paying attention to just now ? 

Bar. To whoever is nearest to him. He is really wonderful ! 
[i?ises.] It makes no diflference who it is — he pours out his 
whole soul to us all. Are all your English friends like that ? 
{_Crosses to c] 

Sp. There are exceptions. 

Jackson appears at c. 

Bar. There's Jackson wants to see you. How do you do, 
Jackson ? \_She humps against Unc. ; he comes to front table, 
scarcely noticing her apology; she helps him to pick up his papers; 
as he stoops, she jiuts the paper on kis head."] Did I do that ? I 
beg your pardon. [^Exits, R. 1 E.] 

Unc. This is persecution. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 65 

Jackson. Morning, Miss. 

Sp. Well, Jackson? 

Jack. [r. c] If you think of shooting this morning, sir, 
there's some of the hill folks come down that say the birds are 
thick up in the swales. 

Lau. [^Advancing, making a sign to Sp.^ I shall stay at home 
to-day. 

Sp. So shall I. 

Mer. [^Sarcastically.'] What, you, dear ? 

Lau. Yes, dear. [Crosses from her. Sf. goes up with J ack.I 

Mer. [As she meets LiiB., i)i subdued tone of merriment.^ Our 
plan works. 

Lid. [Same."] The plot thickens. [They go up]. 

Jack. [To Sp., as they come forward.] I've a sort of a favor 
to ask of you, sir, and yet I don't rightly know how to do it — 
and yet it's got to be done. 

%). Speak out — what is it ? 

Jack. Couldn't Mr. De Rigby move back into the house here 
— out of my farm ? I wouldn't ask it, only — 

Sp. [r. c] What has occurred ? 

Jack. [l. c] Oh, nothing's occurred ! Nothing ! It's only 
what's going on. You see, my daughter has been cutting up 
queer with him — whispering and acting intimate, like, well — 
[With a burst.] It don't do to quarter a weasel in a hen-coop, no 
way you fix it ! [ Crosses to r. Mrs. P. moves to arm-chair in 
front of fire.] 

Sp. [Aside, vexed.] This is too much ! Even Mima can't 
escape. [J.fo?t(^.] Leave it to me — I'll see to it. 

Jack. Much obliged. That's a great load off my mind. By 
gorm ! I worried when she had that pill-box after her, but I 
never dreamt of her taking up with this puft-box ! She may 
have her poison mixer if she can't be easy. I know what I've 
got when I've got him. By gorm ! I can handle him. So you'll 
call off the Britisher, will you, sir ? 

Sp. Yes — yes. I'll attend to it. 

Jack. [Doubling his fist] I had thought of attending to it 
myself, sir, but the thought struck me, that you could point out 
to him better than I could. All right, sir ! [ Going uj), turns 
and looks at Lau., aside.] So Mr. Laurens won't shoot ? All 
right ! What's come over him ? I believe they've got to be all 
puff-boxes and ivory back-combs, every one of them ! [Exits, c] 

Sp. [He and Lau. exchange looks^ Digby must certainly go 
home. But how can I make him understand it ? Uncle might 
do it ; at all events, he's the only one can try. [ Crosses and lean» 
over line's chair.^ Uncle, you must do me a favor. 
5 



66 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Unc. [^Gathering up his things and going to c] Yes, yes — I 
know. 

Sp. [r., detaining him.'] No, no. [^Bringing him down, c] 
I want you to perform a delicate diplomatic mission with respect 
to Mr. De Rigby. 

Unc. Ask him for something out of his room ? 

Sp. It's no joke. I'm particularly desirous of having him 
take his departure to-day. 

TJnc. So am I — about all of 'em. [Mrs. P. get^ down to r. of 
table.] 

Sp. Then you won't mind beginning with him. No half 
measures. He must go ! 

Unc, Am I to tell him so? 

Sp. If you can't make him understand by hints — yes. 

Unc. It is a delicate business, my boy. 

Sp. I appreciate it, and I feel that no one can manage it so 
pleasantly as you. I have thought of a plan. I'll have a de- 
canter of sherry sent in, and you can ask him to take a glass. 
He won't be astonished at such an invitation from you, you 
know! you get him warmed up, and then, in a burst of confidence, 
after two or three glasses, you out with your suggestion. 

Unc. Very good. Send in a bottle of champagne ; never 
mind the sherry. You can't get this boy to drink enough sherry 
to warm up and burst on. 

Sp. Very good. You'll manage him. I see that. 

Unc. {^Crosses to c] Can't I begin by telling our fair friend 
over there [^Indicating Mrs. P.] to go first ? [Mrs. P. sees him 
and comes forward.] 

Sp. Oh, uncle ! [Goes up to Lau.] 

Mrs. P. Ah ! ah ! a little bird whispers, that you've been talk- 
ing about me. 

Unc. Oh — I assure you — 

Mrs. P. Now what was it — a dish seasoned with sauce pi- 
quante ? [ Coquettiskly.] 

Unc. [Gallantly.] Oh, if you had been served up, it would 
have been with cream [ Crossing, aside.] of Tartar ! [ Goes to 
fire-place.] 

■ Mrs. P. Something could be made of him — if I only had 
time, but that girl engrosses every moment. [Exits,'^.. 1 e.] 

Rigby enters, greeting everybody. 

Rigby. Good morning! [To Sp.] NotoflPyet? 
Sp. [ Gravely.] We remain at home to-day. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 67 

Nap enters, r. u. e. Sp. stops him and gives Mm an order. He 
goes hack and exits, c. 

Rig. But you, Laurens, you don't stay home to-day ? 

Lau. That's exactly what Laurens intends doing. 

Rig. Why, you won't know what to do with yourselves! A 
day Avithout sport ! 

Lau. [l ] Not at all. I expect some very good sport. We 
have scented a fox. \_Crosses to /Sp.] 

Rig. No ! 

Lau. Yes, and we'll dig him out, or burn him out this 
morning. 

Rig. [ Crossing between Sp. and Lau."] That's capital ! I 
should like to be there. 

Lau. \_Slaps him on the back.'] Oh, you'll be there ! [Crosses 
to R.] 

Rig. Has he been after the chickens ? 

Sp. Yes, one — a very young and tender chicken. 

Rig. You're lucky. They generally go for the old hens, too. 
[Mer. and Lid. go up.] They go for everything. [Follows the 
ladies tip.] Did you ever see a fox trapped, ladies ? [ Converses 
with them.1 

Sp. [To Lau."] I followed your advice. He shall go to-day. 

Lau. And not a day too soon. I know what I say! [They 
shake hands and separate.] 

Sp. [ Going to Unc] We'll have the coast clear. Hold o© 
to him. He's among the women already. 

Une. All right. [Calls.] Eh! Mr. de Rigby! [Rig. turns 
short around and humps against Sp.'s elbow. Sp. takes Lidis 
hand and leads her away. Lau. draws his wife's arm within hvs 
own ; as they are about to exeunt by different entrances, c. and l. u. e :] 

Lau. We needn't be present at the fox digging. [Lid. and 
Mer. exchange glances, fingers to lips.] 

Sp. We'll hear all about it afterwards. 

Mer. Don't be long, Mr. de Rigby. 

Lid. You'll find us in the garden, Mr. de Rigby, [The hm- 
hands hurry them off'.] 

Rig. [Down c] Be with you directly. 

Nap enters with tray containing bottle of wine, bowl of ice and 

glasses. - 

U71C. Here boy, set them down here. [Table, r.] Have a 
glass of champagne with me, Mr. de Rigby? I always take 
something about this time of day. You will, eh ? 



68 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Rig. With pleasure. \_They sit. Nap has opened the wine 
and at sign from Unc. exits, R. u. E.] 

Unc, [^Filling glasses.'] I like a young fellow, who humors 
an old fellow. I know the boys of to-day don't drink. The 
boys of yesterday do. I'll be fair, here's a toast : To the boys of 
to-day ! They are the wisest. \_I)rinks^ 

Rig. And to the boys of yesterday. They are the best! 
\_Merely tastes his glass.] 

Unc. l^Aslde.] It goes against me to turn this chap out of 
doors. lAloud.] Age has its privileges; you won't be offended 
if I give you a bit of advice. {^Drinks.'] 

Rig. I shall be delighted — anything you feel called upon to 
say, must be profitable. 

tine. [^Aside.] No. I won't give him advice. What right 
have I to give him advice? [J.^ow5.] You don't drink. {^Refills 
his own glass^ 

Rig. After you. I think I know what's coming. That's the 
way my friends always begin, when they're going to mention a 
few of my shortcomings. 

Unc. Nothing of the sort. You're a capital fellow. But we 
don't quite understand one another yet. 

Rig. But we will. Here's to a better understanding. [Sips 
from his glass; Unc. empties his.] Now, tell me what fault have 
you to find with me. 

Unc. I ? I havn't any fault to find. [Refills his glass.] I'm 
only what you may call a proxy, and I don't know exactly how 
to begin. 

Rig. Perhaps I can help you! I suspect Paul has been 
putting you up to this. [JLstc^e.] It's the spiteful old aunt! 
[^fowd.] Somebody has told him, of course, that she saw something 
suspicious. [Lays his hand on Unc.'s sleeve.] I admit all ap- 
pearances, but it's all right. I'm merely playing a little comedy. 

Unc. [Drinks.] So far, so good. You admit the facts ? 

Rig. No, I only admit the appearances. 

Unc. [Irritated and beginning to show the effects of wine.] 
Now what the devil difference does that make? You want to 
produce an effect by appearances, and you do it. You produce 
too much effect. We are all affected. 

Rig. That's unfortunate, but you understand perfectly — 
[Both drink.] 

Unc. Egad, I should think so. I've been in love ! All over 
in love. With *em all, all over ! 

Rig. Not all. 

Unc. No, unfortunately. But when I was as young as you — 
[Taps him on the shoulder.] life was one glorious intoxication, 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 69 

in which every ugly woman was a beauty, and every beauty a 
goddess. {^Drinks.'] 

Rig. Just my case now. 

Unc. Ha! ha! I could tell a few stories and read you a 
poem or two ! Ha ! ha ! There was one composed to Rebecca ! 
You didn't know Rebecca? No, it was in 1832. The verses 
didn't begin to do her justice, yet they were strong. \_Recites:'\ 

"Divinely fair — perfection's glass 
Reflects no fairer image." 

Rig. Pray, go on, I'm anxious to know what rhyme you got 
for "image." 

Unc. That was a poser. Nothing occurred to me but scrim- 
mage, and so I turned it into blank verse. I'd like to read the 
whole of it. 

Rig. \_Ri8es, crosses to c] So you shall, some morning after 
breakfast. 

Unc. So I could ! What a pity, though, that you are going 
away. {^Begins to grow pathetic.^ 

Rig. Oh, I'm not going for some time yet. 

Unc. Yes, you are. You are going to-day. 

Rig. {^Reassuring him.1 No, I'm not — I am really not. 

Unc. We would have had such times together, such feasts of 
reason ! And now you must go ! [Unc. is maudlin drunk.l 

Rig. {Aside.'} Oh, he's got 'em. [Irritated.^ You seem to 
have a sort of monomania about my going. 

Unc. No, I've not. I know what I'm saying and I'm sorry 
for it. {Falls on his neck.'] 

Rig. {Rising.'] Wouldn't you like a little fresh air? {As- 
sists him to rise.] Let's take a walk. 

Unc. Perhaps you think it's the wine. You was never more 
mistaken. I know what I'm talking about. 

Rig. Of course. 

Unc. You're not angry with me ? You don't mind what I 
said ? 

Rig. About Rebecca? Oh, no! Quite natural in 1832. 

Unc. No, I mean about — {Motions of departure.] You 
understand ? {Falls on his neck.] Oh, why, why, are you going 
away ? [ Tears himself off, exits c] 

Rig. He's obstinately bent on that hallucination I 

Babbie enters, r., with some loose fiowers which she is arranging 
in a hunch, and looks about for a ribbon. 

Rig. Ah, Miss Barbie! Alone! Without the deadly Upa« 
— I mean your aunt. What a fortunate thing I 



70 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Barbie. Fortunate? [^Looking up from her search. 1 

Big. For me, of course. 

Bar. \_Searchi7ig.'] I am simply looking for a piece of ribbon 
to tie my flowers. 

Rig. \_Hesitating.'] Could you listen to something I have to 
say, without its interfering with your exploration? 

Bar. \_Suddenly assuming coldness.'] You can save your elo- 
quence for some one, who appreciates it more highly — for Mrs. 
Laurens, perhaps. [ Going up.'] 

Rig. {^Eagerly.] I — I assure you — 

Bar. Calmly.'] For Mrs. Laurens, who is in the garden, 
compelled by your absence to put up with the attention of Mr. 
Flutterby. 

Rig. What? Where? {^Rushes out, c, pxdting on his hat.] 

Bar. Oh ! {Indignantly.] Oh ! oh ! [ Throws herself on 
sofa, commences to laugh hysterically, and then changing to a good 
cry.] 

Mrs. Partradge enters, r. 1 e. 

Mrs. Partradge. Why, Barbie, what's the matter ? 

Bar. Oh, aunt! My heart is broken. 

Mrs. P. Has that villain been talking to you ? Has he been 
pouring his Due de Montebello champagne into your ears? 

Bar. Yes, and I've found him out in all his perfidy. Just as 
he said he didn't, and he wouldn't and he shouldn't, he — he — he 
rushed oS and did it. 

Mrs. P. They all do, darling — they all do. {Soothing and 
raisiyig her.] 

Bar. {As they go r.] He treats me like a mere wax doll. I 
never, never could have believed, that any one could tell such 
bare-faced falsehoods, and I'll never, never believe another man 
again. 

Mrs. P. That's right, my dear. Don't believe and they won't 
deceive. [Bar. exits, hysterically, supported by Mrs. P., r. 1 e.] 

Meryl and Flutterby enter, c. l. He carries her straw hat 
and parasol. They walk, as if conversing, from library. 
RiGBY enters, c. 

Rigby. 1 can't find her. I can't find him. I can't find either 
of them. I say, Miss Barbie — ah, I can't find her now. I've 
lost them all — what's a chap to do ? {Sits in arm-chair at fire.] 

Flutterby. [l.] There's no one here. I can tell you now, I 
have waited to find you in that dreamy mood I know so well. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 71 

Meryl. You must observe me very closely. 

Flut. And I have detected the cause of your melancholy. 
"Whenever your husband seems to treat you with indifference — 
\_She looks at liim~\ you look as you have looked this morning. 
[Rig. looks, to observe the effect.'] The time will come, when this 
indifference will become a settled neglect, and your melancholy 
a settled grief. 

3Ier. \_Sareastically.'] That's very dismal. What do you rec- 
ommend ? 

Flat. There are men, who would not hesitate to say to you: 
Revenge this indifference by listening to the vows of another. 

3[er. They must be particularly bold men, who would suggest 
that amusement to me ! 

Flut. There is one who, to gain a smile from you, would stop 
at nothing. 

3Ier. Where? 

Flut. In this very house. 

Mer. Indeed ? 

Flut. [^Looking round and then in an agitated voiee."] You 
will know him by the persistence with which he follows you 
everywhere — haunts you like your shadow and leaves every occu- 
pation to fly to your side — in a word, testifies in every motion, 
the profouudest love. [Rig. peeps over again and subsides.'^ 
Shall I tell you his name ? 

Mer. \_Rises.'\ No. I think I know him. It is not you, is it 
Mr. Flutterby ? 

Flut. [Staggered by her glances.] I — I did not refer to my- 
self , 

Mer. [Sarcastically.] Oh, no ! Of course not ! But if you 
did — or if I had to give the gentleman an answer, I should tell 
him it was none of his business, whether my husband treated me 
well or ill ; that no man had a right to criticise a husband's 
conduct jn his wife's presence — and if he persisted, he would be 
treated as her worst enemy. 

Rig. [Sotto voce.] Bravo ! 

Flut. [Seizes her hand.] I thank you for these words. Now 
I'm happy. 

Mer. [Rises.] I'm afraid you did not quite understand whaj; 
I said. 

Flut. Oh, yes, I did. 

Mer. Then bear in mind, that I meant it to apply to every 
person who pretends to be — [Paii^e.] 

Flut. Pretends to be what ? 

Mer. Fonder of me [ Crosses to L.] than my husband ! Bye- 
bye. [Exits, K. 1 E.] 



72 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Flut l^For a moment very smiling, follows down, turns and sees 
Rig., who laughs at him — sinks hack on sofa.'\ Devil take it ! 

Rig. [Looking at him stoically from his chair.~\ Can you tell 
me the last quotations in connubial stocks ? 

Flut. Were you there all the time ? 

Rig. Heard every word of it. 

Flut. I've been an ass. [Starting up, c] 

Rig. You have. 

Fhd. Women are the most ungrateful — I think I shall go 
home to-day. 

Rig. I'm going, too. We'll start together. 

Fhd. It's been a short visit. 

Rig. Too long for my luck. I've been treated — [Pause^ 

As Meryl re-enters, she pauses as she sees Flut. 

Flut. [Fmbarrassed.'] A-a- good morning! [Slapping his 
forehead.'] An ass ! [Fxits quickly, c] 

Rig. [Energetically.'] I must ask your pardon for an indis- 
cretion. I happened to overhear your conversation with our 
friend. 

Meryl. Oh, I don't mind. [Crosses to r.] 

Rig. And I want to come in for my share of the scolding. 
I've been haunting you like your shadow, too. But it was to 
keep that other party off. 

Mer. You meant well. 

Rig. [r., dghs.] Yes, I thought more of your interests than 
my own. I'm like the dog with .the bone — lost what I had in 
trying to reach after a shadow. [Stage, R.] 

Mer. Indeed? And what did your bone consist of ? 

Rig. Something that will never be bone of my bone and flesh 
of my flesh, I'm afraid. 

Mer. This begins to be interesting. 

Rig. I have succeeded in convincing Miss Barbie that I am 
•wholly destitute of truth and honor. 

Mer. You shall have an opportunity for a full understanding 
with Barbie, and without interruption. My room is the very 
place. [Opem door, l.] Wait for me in here. 

Rig. I'm afraid it's too late. I have a sinking of the heart. 
[Exits, L. 1 E.] 

Mer. [Calling after him.] You'll find camphor on the table. 
[Shuts door.'] I'll have this little knot unravelled in no time. I 
©we it to him. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 73 

Spencer re-enters, c, looks at her suspieiously. 

Spencer. Pardon my question — have you seen Mr. De Rigby ? 

Mer. He was here just now. He's going away to-day, and 
has been [^Handkerchief to eyes, in affected sorrow.^ taking leave 
of me. [Crosses to r.] 

Sp. I'm glad of it. You must feel that it is the best for him 
to go. 

3fer. [Same.l Yes — oh, yes! [Bursts out weeping, then 
laughing to herself, as she exits, R. 1 E.J 

&p. Unfortunate woman ! • Her grief will betray her. 

Uncle enters, l. u. e., in festive hilarity, his hat on one side, pink 
note-sheet in his hand. 

Uncle. Now, my dear boy. [Looks round.l Where is he? 
Where is the boy ? 

Sp. [r.] De Rigby, uncle ? He's packing up. 

Unc. [l.] What a pity he's going! Why must he go? 
[ Cheerfully and changing tone.^ I rummaged among my old papei'S 
and found those verses of mine to Rebecca [Kisses the paper.'\ 
and two or three other poems. He likes 'em ; I got 'em for him. 
[Gravely.'] That was a delicate commission you gave me — to tell 
a man to leave your house ! 

Sp. You succeeded admirably. He's going. 

Unc. Is he? Do you know I fancied that I failed to make 
him understand. 

Sp. Not a bit of it. 

Unc. I must have managed very cleverly. You know I didn't 
tell him out and out, to go. 

Sp. He took the hint. That was all that was necessary. 

Unc. It was the champagne did it ! Wonderful thing that 
wine is ! Made everything clear to him, and mixed me up com- 
pletely. [Going to c, shaking his head.] I want to read him 
this poem before he goes. [Exits, c] 

Sp. I wonder if Laurens knows he's going ? Poor devil ! he 
is in his room, I suppose, trying to smother his jealousy. I'll 
have him out and — [Goes to l. 1 e., aiid knocks.] 

Rigby opens the door and puis old his head. Sp. and he look at 

each other. 

Righy. [Finger to lips.] Sh! don't say anything. [Re- 
treating.] 



74 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Sp. [^Drawing him ouf] By heavens ! Man, what are you 
doing in that room ? 

Big. Don't shout it out. 

Sp. I thought you were going away. 

Rig. I can't go, till I see Mrs. Laurens. 

Sp. What? 

Big. \_Going towards door.'] She told me to wait for her in 
there. 

Sp. Are you mad ? Do you know what you are doing ? 

Big. My dear fellow, do you know what you are doing ? You 
are acting in the wildest manner. 

Sp. Don't mind me. Come, I'll get you out of the way.. 
\_Dragging him up, E.] 

Big. [^Breaking away and coming down."] But I tell you I 
must see her. I promised her I'd wait. 

Sp. \_Agitated.'\ But not in there ! If Laurens found you 
together ! Here, {Buns to door, r. u. e.] get in my room ; remain 
quiet, until I bring the wagon to take you to the train. \_Pashes 
him in K. D.] 

Big. [Putting his head out.] Will you kindly explain at the 
earliest possible moment? 

Sp. Yes, yes ! But not now — not now. \_Looks round.] 

Big. Not now, of course, in your present incoherent state. 
But I say, old fellow, I must take my leave of Mrs. Spencer — I 
can't go without that. 

Sp. I'll send her to you. Do go in ! [Shuts door.] How 
providential that I happened in at the very moment. 

Laurens enters from library. 

Sp. A minute later and the explosion would have taken 
place. 

Laurens, [l.] Where is the fox — gone to cover? 

Sp. [Eyeing him.] Yes — he concluded to run. 

Lau. [ Quickly.] Has he really gone ? 

Sp. He asked me to say good-bye for him. 

Lau. Thank heaven ! If he had stayed the day out, I be- 
lieve I should have exploded. [Crosses to r,] 

Sp. [Aside.] I thought so. [Aloud.] We are all glad, of 
course. [J..sio?e.] If I only had him safe out of this. I must 
find Lida. [Aloud.] Shall we join the ladies ? They must be 
expecting us. [ Going up, c] 

Lau. [ Taking out cigar-case.] Yes, as soon as I light a cigar. 
[ Going to fire.] 

Sp. [Looking off.] Ah, there's Lida! [To Lau.] Come 
along. [Exits, c] 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 75 

As Lau. strikes a match, Rigby cautiously peeps out of door, r. 

Lau. Presently. \_Sees Big., flings match one way and cigar 
another, runs up and looks off, c, then comes down in perturbation. 
Rig. puts up his glass, to inspect Lau.'s movement.'] I thought 
you were gone ! 

Big. [r.] I suppose there's no particular hurry. 

Lau. lAnxiously.'] What are you waiting for ? 

Big. I'm waiting for Mrs. Spencer. 

Lau. Unhapj^y wretch ! And in her own room ! 

Big. [Coming ouf] But Mrs. Spenc — 

Lau. [ With a bound closes his mouth with his hand.] Sh ! 
[^Looks roujid.l Have you not thought of the consequences? 
Spencer is half mad already. 

Big. So I thought. Do you know what's the matter with 
him ? 

Lau. Can't you guess ? 

Big. Havn't the remotest notion. 

Spencer. [ Outside^ Laurens ! 

Lau. \_Alarmed, seizing Big's arm and dragging him to L.] 
Here he comes ! He must not see you here ! 

Big. No ? Well, I'd better go in. [ Goes to r.] 

Lau. Not there ! not there ! Conceal yourself! 

Big. But, my dear fellow — 

Lau. For heaven's sake, man, listen to reason! Be guided 
by me. Avoid Spencer, until you can slip out unobserved, 

Spencer. {^Outside.'] Laurens! Arn't you coming? 

Lau. \_Drags Big. to L. 1 e., and opens door.] Get into my 
room, and don't utter a word. 

Big. [/?i the room, putting his head out, and deliberately.] I 
say, Laurens, are you sure you know what you're doing ? 

Lau. \_Has come c] Perfectly. 

Big. Thank you. In that case I'm quite satisfied. We are 
now in status quo. 

Lau. [Shutting door on him.] It's all right I tell you. 

Spencer enters c, looks at Lau. then at r. 2 d. 

Spencer. I thought you were coming. 

Lau. [Picks up newspaper from sofa.] I stoi)ped to look at 
the papers. 

Sp. [Aside.] Reading it upside down. 

Lau. Don't let me keep you. [Bises.] 

Sp. [Sits by fire and takes up paper.] No. I merely wish to 
begin something I finished this morning. 



76 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

Lau. [^Aside^ Last Sunday's Herald ! I wish he'd leave. 
[^Looks at door, l.] 

Sp. \_Aside.'] What keeps him here ? [ Glances at door, R. 
Aloud.~\ Beautiful day out of doors. 

Lau. [ Yawns hack to sofal^ Don't care for it much. [J.sic?e.] 
Why don't he go out, and enjoy it? 

Blum. [ Outside.'\ Where is he ? Where is he ? 

Sp. Hark! What's that? 

Bl. [ Outside and nearer.'] Where is he ? Let me find him ! 

Spencer and Laurens start up, as Blum bursts in, holding an 
empty tumbler in one hand and a stomach-pump in the other, 
and very much disordered. 

Blum. Where is he ? Is he dead ? 

Sp. Who? What? What is the matter ? 

Bl. {^Falls backward, Lau. and Sp. pick him up. He gazes 
wildly from one to the other. '\ Is he very dead ? 

Sp. What are you gasping about ? 

Bl. Where is Mr. De Rigby ? 

Sp. and Lau. [Looking at each other.] I don't know. 

Bl. Oh, gentlemen, hunt him up. He is a dead man. I 
have the Seidlitz powder. He got the arsenic. 



Sp. What is it? Irj^ooeiAer"! 
Lau. Nonsense, f *-' 



Bl. It's past ten o'clock. I swallowed my powder as de clock 
he was striking. It was enough. The taste he was Seidlitz. But 
at dat moment, vere was he ? He was taking pizzin. In two 
hours he is a dead man. Help me find him. It's not too late, 
I've brought everything. Here is a stomach-pump. Oh my legs. 
he give way. \_Sinks down, as they hold him. He has turned face 
up stage.] 

Sp. \_Seizes Bl.'s arm.] We'll hunt him up. 

Lau. [Seizes other arm.] We'll find him. [J.stc?e.] How 
lucky ! 

Sp. [Aside.] A good excuse. 

Bl. I pump him out in no time. [He is carried off, c, be- 
tween the two.] 

Big. [Puts his head oid quickly as they go off, c] They evi- 
dently think the little Dutchman a lunatic, and he's the only 
sane man of the three. Perhaps there's a plot to mystify me. 
This hiding me in one room and then in another. By Jove, I 
begin to have enough of it, and the first person I meet is likely 
to find me a decidedly unpleasant customer. 



OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 77 

Barbie anrf Meryl enter, r. 1 e. 

Barbie. Mr. DeRigby! [Timidly. ] 

Rig. [TiLrns savagely, then changing.'] I — I make a excep- 
tion in this case. 

Bar. [c] I understand you are about to leave us. 

Rig. It aj^pears I can be spared without inconvenience around 
here. 

Bar. You are angry. It's partly my fault. 

Rig. Yes, I can't deny that. [Mer. goes up."] 

Bar. Everything has been explained by Mrs. Laurens, and J! 
owe you an apology. 

Rig. Thank you. I'm not quite perfect, but when I spoke to 
you, I meant every word I said. 

Bar. I know that — and so, in token of reconciliation. [ Crives 
her hand.l Let's part in peace. 

Rig. I don't think there's any hurry about my going to-day. 
You are going to stay, are you not ? 

Bar. Oh, yes, for some time. 

Rig. That'll give me time to — to tell you — hem — tell you — 
\_Crosses to r.] 

Bar. What ? [Pretending innocence.'] 

Meryl. To tell you that he loves you ! [Darts out, c] 

As Mrs. Partradge enters, r. u. e. 

Rig. Yes, that's it. [Takes her hand impulsively.'] 

Mrs. Partradge. Ah ! 

Bar. [Struggles with Rig.] Let me go. 

Rig. Did you hear what she said ? 

Mrs. P. I heard what she said, sir. 

Rig. Then please hear, what I say. I love your niece. [To 
Bar.] Won't you believe me now ? [Bar. turns away.] 

Mrs. P. Barbie, I'm surprised ! Give him his answer ! 

Bar. [Throws her arms impulsively round Rig's neck.] 
There! 

Spencer and Lida enter, c. » 

Mrs. P. Oh ! [ With a shriek, she falls into Sp.'s arms.] 
Spencer. What's the matter ? Why, aunt, don't give up like 
that. 

Meryl and Laurens enter, c. 
Mrs. P. [Down l.] She's lost! To throw herself into the 



78 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 

arms of the Due de Montebello — a frivolous, foolish, good-for- 
nothing ! 

Bar. Oh, he's a real nice little fellow, aunty ! 

Sp. Stop! I can't hear another word. If there has ever 
been a misjudged man in the world, it's Rigby. {^Takes his 
hand.^ 

Laurens. A truer friend never breathed. {^Takes his hand."] 

Blum entering, with Mima at back. 

Blum. Vere is he ! Dere he is ! Alive and shaking ! Even 
poison can't kill him ! \_Covies down and shakes both hands."] She 
tole me all, and her farder he say rader dan you to have her, he 
trow her away to me. [MiM. pulls him away.] Dot was all right. 
[ Crosses with MiM. to R. c] 

Mima. We owe him all the happiness of our lives, and if I 
dared to kiss him — [Bar. crosses to Big.] 

Big. Please don't. This is harder to stand up against than a 
knock down. 

Bar. They all see you, now, as I do. 

Uncle enters, c, quickly. 

Uncle. Not a sign of him anywhere! [r. sees Big.] Ah, 
there you are ! Been looking for you everywhere. I've got — 
[_Shows poems, theyi pauses, and suddenly with emotion^ It's a 
confounded pity, you've got to go to-day. 

Sp. plucks him by the sleeve, and frowns and shakes his head. Lid. 
and Mer. both put their hands over his mouth, and shake their 
heads. 

Vnc. Eh? No? 

Sp. No. 

Lida. No. 

Meryl and Lau. No. 

Unc. No ! Well, you needn't go then. I'm glad of it. We 
are»all glad of it, aren't we ? 

All. Yes, yes ! 

Unc. And you can stay with us as long — as long as — I say, 
how long shall he stay with us ? 

Bar. Why, as long as ever our old friends on the other side 
of the footlights will come and welcome our foreign friend on 
this side of them. 

Curtain. 



OUR 



ENGLISH FRIEND. 



A Comedy in 4 Acts. 



AUGUSTIN DALY. 



AS ACTED AT DALY'S THEATRE, FOR THE FIRST TIME, 
NOVEMBER 25th, 1882. 



NEW YORK: 

PRINTED, AS MANUSCRIPT ONLY, FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1884. 



